2:59 P.M. - Tuesday, Feb. 08, 2011
A wolf in sheep�s clothing
It wasn�t a matter of if, but when.

Basement man wanted to stop by to �talk,� not harass. Seems he hid his gun collection in my house�he needed to retrieve them. I agreed to meet with him.

No reason to write about his part of the conversation reclaiming his undying love for me, how sorry he was for treating me so bad, and how much he regrets moving away from this house. The rest sounded like�blah-blah/blah-blah etc�

He came with a valentine card and a box of mixed chocolates. Oh�the feeling of true love seeped through his pores. BS!!! (Lord have mercy, I must have ice racing through my veins�I wasn�t moved.)

Looking back at the past times he traveled in and out of my life, same scenario�different states.

For the first time I didn�t stutter trying to get my bearings�no feeling there was an injured soul sitting at the table across from me. No heart pounding trying to figure out if the words falling out of his mouth was just what my wounded heart had been aching to hear. I was unmoved�a little pissed off maybe. My emotions were steady, or better yet, lack of emotion. Yeah�that�s better.

My voice sounded foreign to my ears when it was my turn to respond. Past actions screamed louder than the dribble that escaped his desperate pleas. I am moving forward�it was suggested he do the same and consider therapy. For him�not for me.

As he was leaving he carried his heart on his sleeve�he walked with a limp being sure to tell me he couldn�t get a hip or knee replacement because he had no one to take care of him. (I thought about his closing argument�if I would allow him to move back he would take care of me the rest of my life.) My thought�I can take care of myself.

As he stood at the door he went into a coughing fit�which reminded him at his last Dr appointment, and he relayed it was a concern that his lungs sounded bad, he is scheduled for a lung scan. He might have a lung disease.

That blasted ice water raced once again through my being�I wished him well but failed to open my heart to him. My thought�mind games, more mind games.

After he left I exhaled, hoping I will not be dammed to a fiery hell�
I just couldn�t find it in me�
no matter how deep I dug�
I don�t want him back in my life.

I also don�t want him to die, maybe that gives me a few extra points.

I have to believe that what ever happens to him will not be my fault�
I don�t wish him harm�
I wish me peace�
I deserve it�
and right now I have found it.

Sandyz
Taken in Florida over Christmas, my eldest daughter, me, grand daughter, youngest daughter and great grand daughter. I miss them�

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