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10:53 A.M. - Monday, Feb. 14, 2011
Every day gets a bit better
Yesterday one of my best days�clear head, and a feeling of calmness that I have failed to feel for such a long-long time. Peacefulness seeped through my pores, smiles came from deep within my heart.

Spring cleaning started early. Why not�the day was sunny. Country music filled the air as laundry was in motion. Scented candles were burning throughout the house, not a trace of cigarette smoke. Inhale/exhale each breath tasted freedom from all the hurt and emptiness I had felt.

Silliness set in as I did the two-step throughout the house, alone�well�a mop isn�t technically a partner�is it?? Nothing changed much�except me. Thoughts of how awesome life can be played out through my thinking. I�ve stumbled, fell, had my heart ripped from the very soul of me. Loss has crippled, brought me to my knees, clouded my eyes and heart from the awesomeness of life�s little pleasures. Sure as I breathe today there is a realization that devastation will once again worm its way into my essence when a memory of loss unexpectedly unfolds. A price we pay for being deep thinkers, however�that�s Ok�

I am stronger.

I am a survivor.

A sinking feeling briefly made an appearance when I saw a message was left on my phone. The call was unheard while music filled the void. But I knew�knew it was him. The message was retrieved and a sickness in the pit of my gut heard his downtrodden message. No life in the voice�it was basement man. He just wanted to �talk��.sounded like a slow motion request, words were drawn out. For a moment unpleasant memories flowed. No need to return the call, I didn�t care what empty words were going to come from him. The message deleted and I turned up the stereo and smiled again while pushing unpleasant thoughts of him behind a locked door I set up in my mind. I breathed in freedom and smiled�danced.

As much as I love this house, my job, the awesome feeling of starting over with a light heart�if the only way I can truly rid myself of his depression is to take off in the night I will.

It is over�there is no more �us.�

Sandyz

My granddaughter and I dancing at my eldest daughters wedding, 2009 It's these happy memories I cling to.



 

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