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12:34 P.M. - Thursday, Feb. 03, 2011 Once again dreams dominate the nights�vivid dreams that not only display brilliant color but emotions that cut thought the soul while my physical body is in slumber. Often when I wake there is momentarily a time of confusion�which world am I in? Dream state or reality�or are they in some strange way related. There are conversations, back and forth exchange of ideas, windy days break through my dream state�I can feel the caress and warmth of the wind as moves across my arms and tousles my hair. I often wake up hearing my own voice escape my lips, but quickly fall back to sleep and surprising enough�continue the same dream as if I were reading a book. It amazes me and difficult to explain the intensity of color I witness, how shiny objects glisten in and through light and how every person that joins my dream state is encircled by color�some in which has no classification in earthly terms. I have been experiencing these dream state illusions for almost a month now�there are afternoons when I purposely fall asleep on the couch in hopes of finding myself in another time and place�a location that feels calmness and serenity that often eludes me in my awakened state. This is not a complaint�just an oddity that I am grateful for�an escape within my mind. I don�t have to go any where, do anything, or try to trick the mind to believing everything is wonderful. Falling asleep allows me to travel to a safe haven. In another direction there is healing, I haven�t fallen into a depressed state, or regrets. There is a slight edge of bitterness aimed at basement man�his unanswered calls irritate me. There is no need to write about his whiney, depressing phone calls explaining how much he regrets his decision to vacate and run off again, his undying love or his visions of a new �us� that he believes we can recapture. My thoughts�what I felt we once shared as soul mates is irretrievably lost. This has all been written in past entries throughout this diary�his past actions over the last several years screams at me through the pages of my entries. I feel no remorse, no longing to reconnect�I just want him to disappear in the mist of time and move on with his life allowing the stronghold he feels he has on me to be severed. Once and for all. When I think back in time about our life I fail to visualize any goodness, any show of love, compassion, giving of ones self�all that I feel that slipped through his pores was hurt, pain, disappointment, disconnection and self pity. That is not some thing I long to reconnect with. It�s over. While reevaluating our resent past there is failure on my part to forgive him�this is not like me, it feels foreign. Even realizing I must learn to forgive to completely move forward a slice of my heart has hardened�this pains me. However it is my burden to carry for now. I asked myself over and again�when mom passed where was he? When I needed a safe landing �I was attacked. He wasn�t there when I went through deplorable conditions to connect this sorrow of loss to my son�while gone he attacked one of my brothers during a phone call. Summing it up basement man he was, and has been a self centered ass during a time I desperately needed his love and understanding. I wandered through the muck alone and made it through�alone. For this I can not forgive�no promises it will ever happen�.furthermore�I don�t even care. For the most part I am beginning to embrace this new life, the freedom to think, act, and do as I please. No one to answer to, no one to bring me pain. In truth this new passage has intrigued me and I find myself making plans to travel, witness things I have longed see and connect with people I care about. This is my reality�not a dream state. Sandyz
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