10:09 P.M. - Saturday, Jan. 15, 2011
Just Dance
Today was the best day I have had from the time we said our goodbyes to mother. March will be one year and one might think the missing wouldn�t sting so much�however it seems as more time is placed behind us the ache of loss feels stronger. When talking to my sister she mentioned the same thing�it helped knowing it wasn�t just my inability to let go. So often we suffer in silence not wanting to bring a dark cloud to everyday goings on. I was glad she brought it up�the aloneness I felt vanished.

My thoughts on needing a structured life was futile. With a list laying on the table reminding me of what needed done that day the feelings projected was nothing but stress. There were days that after writing a list I would avoid looking at it and would find myself not even going close to the table�that damned list was there. Nothing got done, so not a thing was marked through. Finally in the wee hours of the morning the thought would come to me�sleep. One night the cats and I fell asleep on the couch not waking up until almost morning. The list�nada�feelings of failure intense.

A few nights ago in a half sleep mode it dawned on me the last thing I needed was a structured life.

What was I thinking?

My past was nothing but a pattern�had to be up at a certain time, to work at a designated time, clocks, bells, and whistles was a way of life. Why was it important for me to fall back into a organized life when time now was my own?

There was a feeling deep within that cried out to live in the moment�yes I know there are some things that need to be planned but not every waking moment. It felt as if peace flowed through me. My new direction upon wakening is ask myself�what is it I feel like doing.

Today was the second day of living life in the moment experiment.

A quick check on face book, world news, (grumble-grumble�our world is heading straight to the insane asylum,) laundry was tended to , floors mopped-vacuumed carpet and the stereo turned up loud enough I couldn�t think�just heard the music.

Took a break and did an hour of yoga�meditated for additional hour and back to cleaning and organizing my home. It felt good. I felt good�refreshed. I picked out three of my favorite CD�s, a little bit country, a little bit of rock and roll�as cleaning continued�I danced. Every dance I could recall�my feet fell in tune, the twist, the slide, the two step, line dancing�yeah I know being by myself line dancing wasn�t exactly that�but good enough. It felt as if there were hundreds of people dancing with me.

Pictures were hung, a plaque my daughters sent me found an awesome home on the wall�this was just an awesome day. Singing filled the house�the neighbors were spared, I never dare sing in front of anyone�wasn�t gifted with a grand voice�but to me, today, it was heaven.

There was much need for this day�it has been since my youngest daughters wedding that I dared to dance. Basement man refused to dance a slow dance with me and then again a refusal to dance with his step daughter�the bride.

Basement man hates to dance, he thought I was losing my mind if he caught me dancing through the house.

Me�I love to dance�always have. Him�only if he drank himself stupid did he make some awkward moves�but that was light years ago. His new thing from the time we moved here was to sit in the basement and listen to the same CD�sit and drink�listen and drink some more. Many times it took all that was in me not to stomp down to the basement and break that CD over his head.

I refrained.

He has been in touch, calling-calling-calling�I know this will surprise any one that knows our story�he�s sorry. By that I mean when he first called he told me he made a major mistake�he misses me, loves me, wants to know if I still have feelings for him. One day while sitting in his new apartment he said he had an epiphany�we should still be together. Basement man wants to go to therapy�wants to quit smoking, quit drinking�another chance�for us???

Scream!!!

Same story�flash back without the drugs.

My answer was easy this time�however I did feel some guilt while telling him he is in love with an illusion of what he thinks we have, or had, but can never recapture. The �us,��it�s gone. I don�t even think there is love left for him�from me. (That wasn�t voiced)�just a please leave me alone�I need time�again not told�(the rest of my life.)

It will be two years this coming June that my life was a living hell with him. We moved here in March two years ago�that is allot of sadness for someone to go through�some call it mental abuse. I agree.

So, today I quieted all his empty words, shut my rambling thoughts down and danced. If someone had seen me they would most likely thought I was a nut case�but for me�it was the best day ever.

Music, singing, dancing, a clean house, laundry done, and me and my heart felt free�yes, it was a grand day.

Freedom never felt so good.

Sandyz

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