7:03 P.M. - Monday, Jan. 17, 2011
Balance
Yesterday I woke up kinda sore�not surprising after a day of dance. Giving myself a �day off� seemed like a good idea. Still a few things were done around the house but in truth most of the day and evening was spent going back and forth from reading to watching the tube. Time spent on face book was included.

This morning my natural �high� was beginning to fade into darkness. A list was written for things that had to be completed, procrastination cannot be a way of life. Blah�is how I felt.

After completing had to do things, an hour was engaged in a yoga routine�followed by meditation. Still darkness hung around like an unwelcome fog of despair�I hate that.

Wouldn�t it be grand if we could flip a switch and jump into perky mood�turn a gray cold cloudy day into a gorgeous sunny one. Once we tire of winter there would be a spring or summer switch. How awesome that would be�

Flip!

Sunshine.

Flip!

Smiley.

Still that bogged, heavy, down feeling is pumping through my veins�reading doesn�t help. TV�out of the questions. Just a weighted sleepy tired of all the internal drama is holding the lightness at bay.

What is missing in my day to day is balance�a steady stride that was once wrote about. Time is the only answer...just when I felt myself coasting along the bypass from loss to freedom. A free pass of sorts. Not true.

Damn!

For a moment there was a feeling I riding along in a time forward machine allowing me to bypass all the middle of the road emotions. That was too much to expect�almost like skipping winter and waking up the next day into spring. Not going to happen.

I�ll deal with it by the knowing that without experiencing cold there would be less excitement of the first warm breeze to caress ones skin. There is a season for all things�

I signed up for this ride even realizing it would be rough and rocky at times. A slippery slope. At least this time deep within my soul there is a determined attitude that will help me not fall back into yesterdays trap. Those chains have been broken once again, I know they can not be repaired.

CANNOT!

Freedom is my path to internal bliss�if I have to read this a thousand times�Do it!

{{If I go back to basement man I will be committing mental suicide.}}

Even now when I think I hear the sound of his car slowing down in front of this house�my heart races.

That is not love�it is fear.

It is fear.

Sandyz

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