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8:17 P.M. - Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2010 I can hardly see through the tears that fall�this is not a pity party�this is grief�.pure and simple uncensored grief. No one can reach me�I am in a protective shell. I beg of you not to come to me with the Word�even God knows this is my time to walk through the valley. Maybe this time I want to walk alone, I feel this need to. If He is He�the one, our creator, then God will understand. Our creator will not cast me in a fire�he will not turn his back. I will not find myself face to face with the demon,�that evil son-of a-bi*ch has no clue what us mere mortals go through when our hearts are severed. That one is cold-calculating and preys on those that chooses a path leading to catastrophic evil. I am nothing to the malevolence of darkness� I am a human being raging with emotions and this time I chose not find peace in Gods� embrace. I am not afraid, I do not cower before Him. He created us��He� walked in the flesh along side of us�He will understand. Today is the anniversary of my birth, nothing happy at all�not a freaking thing. That man that lives here picked as much as he could yesterday until we ended up fighting�about what? HIS money�all the why�s he feels he should not be broke close to months ending. He refuses to hear about his three pack a day addiction�his weekly run to the beer distributors. This alone is more than half his monthly check�not even counting other things he might need through the month. So he is bitter, angry, feels the victim to a horrible person like me that wants from him a few dollars to help pay the lights�the water�anything. I don�t ask for anything I might need�or even want. I once again worked extra�I wrote out bills and before the bills hit the mail box he had already spent it. Crap he spent it long before I completed a shift. It was up to me to take my pay and cover the checks or stand chance they will cut off utilities. I have been advised to open my own account�DONE!!! What I cannot do is stop him from taking his check and doing as he pleases with it. Horrible as my day started out to be, it isn�t even about that man living here�it isn�t about the money. It is about loss. Today is a day I would hear the phone ring�I would race to my e-mail account. I would know from the moment my eyes opened my mother was thinking of me. The day I was born�what she was wearing back then, where she lived, what time it was. Mom could recall this information with all five of us kids. This day for me and my mom would have been special. It wouldn�t have cut so deep when that basement man that lives here walked by and tossed a gruff �Happy BD� my way. It meant nothing�why did he even bother with empty words. The tears came�and a flood of memories I had for so many years that started on this day each year�a feeling like I was special�loved. Unconditionally. Today the pain of loss cuts deep�I just miss my mom. I realize I had no time to grieve her passing�I drove home alone through a raging storm. I slept a couple of hours in front of a welcome center in my Blazer when the rains were just too much. With the interstate closed I crossed a mountain using back country slippery roads and came home to an idiot. I hadn�t even got the car unpacked when he started in about the lack of money. I took one day off and returned to work. I sucked all the pain in and continued to bury it days later when I drove a hundred miles north to break the news to my son. All emotions had to be hidden from the careful watch of the guards behind razor sharp wires. When I got to the car my heart broke into a thousand pieces�still I made the trip home. I do pray I will not offended anyone� I do not believe my life is such a shit hole because I pissed off God. I was born with free will�my life is a train wreck because I made choices that brought me to this point in time. No blame in any other direction�it all falls to me. I have known many a God fearing/loving persons so full of compassion and still insurmountable pain was inflicted upon them. Our Lord does not look down from the heavens and point a finger at �people like me.� None of us are immune to hardships, pain of loss, or any other what we humans call negatives during our life time. That is life. If God were to strike down all the evil doers we would have no wickedness. If God were to only bless his chosen few then many of the rich would be poor. No one that was a believer would die young�it goes on and on�.infinity. I suppose all this hit me today was because I felt so much the pain of loss�it spiraled to all the losses I have gone through. At times I do reach out for comfort to others, but what I don�t need is the insinuation the devil is dancing within my thoughts. My negative thinking is of my own doing, I am choosing what thoughts I am having. If my thoughts drift toward the dark side�it is up to me to switch gears. I may ask the Lord to help me on this quest�but it is my foot prints that chose the way. I personally want to stand up before God�I want talk to Him, I want to say that no matter how many trials and tribulations I have had in my life that I was strong enough to get through, to heal, never give up, to keep reaching for goals and to have never stopped dreaming. I have never lost sight of the marvels of the world, the beauty in every thing and every one. He will know no matter what path I have wandered I have empathy for all creatures great and small. I want our Lord to know I do not cast blame his way because of bad choices I made or because the roads that were often chosen might not have been the greatest path. Most important I want to thank God for understanding it was ok that I tested all my humanly emotions�both good and bad. I want to thank Him for free will so I didn�t have this time in the flesh to be a dancing doll on a string controlled by someone other than me. I want to thank Him for allowing me to spew anger across the universe when I felt vulnerable and find myself standing on the edge of brokenness. I know�I feel it with every fiber of my being that our Creator understands my pain. If any one truly believes I lack faith�they don�t know me at all. If anyone truly believes I dance with the devil himself�they don�t understand my soul. If anyone thinks I have lost the will to live they don�t know my heart� Today I chose to walk alone�the path between love and hate--God and Evil--life and death--sorrow and joy. Tomorrow when I wake up I�ll put the pieces of my heart back together, I�ll be thankful for prayers, I�ll love the day no matter the weather and I�ll personally thank God for another chance to get things right, and my blessing will be His unconditional love that allows me to be just that�me. Sandyz
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