12:28 A.M. - Monday, Nov. 01, 2010
When we get to the bottom the only way back is�up
Some times having a melt down is a good thing. The first couple days after my last entry I felt tired and drained and then came a peaceful feeling�a knowing mom was given many more years than she could have. She was a cancer survivor and had numerous health issues. How she was able to continue to work and never lose sight of her dreams is inspiration for me and everyone that knew her. How selfish I can be at times longing to talk to her�it appears to be a blessing that she is not still in the flesh while my life has spiraled out of control. Of course I would have leaned on her asking advice. In reality I would have worried her more than I can imagine�I can relate to that with having three children of my own�still she would have wanted to know everything just as I do.

When mom passed things had just made an awesome turn for her, she sold a painting that had been a dream of hers for such a long time�she was also in the process to complete a commission. She had planned to make a trip here to PA for a visit. What I am coming to grips with is...she passed during a time in her life that appeared prayers had been answered and she was close to the top of her climb out of debt. She was at peace for the first time in a very long time.

That makes me smile.

The alternative would have been mom�s fears of letting go if she knew everything was in chaos. As far as mom knew that man and I were making positive strives to putting our marriage back together and that made her happy. She told me the greatest gifts she could ever receive would be for all five of us kids to be happy. When she passed she felt I was. My relationship with BM (Basement Man) took a nose dive after I came back from Indiana; he had over a week of freedom to do as he pleased. His dream life I learned is not only going back to Ark or Mississippi but to stay drunk as much as a body can take. That and smoking is what he wants and is polar opposite of my life�s dreams for the future.

I know the end of our relationship is fast coming to a close. I have made it this far and for a short time longer I feel I can cope if I keep my thoughts positive and let things just play out. There is no way he will stay here�he hates it too much. When we do talk it is all about what I need to do once he is gone. (Like I haven�t a clue) He seems to be as ready to get out as I am ready for him to move on. This time I feel we both know there is no backing up. The moment I told him I wouldn�t follow him back to Ark it was over�now he is leaning more towards Mississippi, where his cousin lives. Where ever he goes I hope I have dealt with him for the very last time. Our worlds are now light years away from each other.

To night is the start of NaNoWriMo, (National November Writing month) and I best get off and get to pounding on the key board. I think this is the spark that will help me through the coming weeks. I can almost touch it�freedom.

The working title of my novel is, As the Story Unfolds this will be a true story sprinkled with fiction, no one will believe it any way.

I feel better and that is a major step�even if it is just one step, I am moving forward and back to writing.

Sandyz

previous - next