7:19 P.M. - Tuesday, Jun. 22, 2010
Nothing to live for?
I received a letter from my Florida friend and was told her husbands daughters husband took his life on a Thursday afternoon. This news took my breath away as they were a newly wed couple and has a daughter almost a year old. This would have been his first Fathers Day, the babies first birthday, their anniversary was fast approaching.

There is no making sense of this tragedy...they were financially secure, no money worries, new home, great jobs, and a daughter they had planned for. On both sides they had loving parents and proud new grandparents that spent so much time with their new grandchild�the families were close. Some times there is no visible reasoning when someone decides to end their life.

I wonder at times if people that take their lives understand what it does to those left behind�unanswered questions that haunt their friends and loved ones. Some are left wondering if they in some way could have done something to help. If there are no warning signs, no indication something is terribly wrong then how do we step in�what do we say, what could have been said?

I know first hand what this did to our family�to my husband when his daughter took her life. The man I once knew has never reemerged, he is a stranger even to himself. I do realize in our case the man I married was already in transformation to becoming a full blown alcoholic�what this did was push him along at warp speed. And he became cold and ugly in the inside.

I do believe people can change; several of my friends have walked away from a destructive life style and moved on to find much happiness and live joyfully. I myself changed as I chose to get myself and children away from a turbulent-destructive life that I was as much to blame as my ex, and learn to trust again. I too am living proof one can change. However in my case I trusted my heart to some one that became abusive in other ways. Emotional abuse is just as damming as physical�set out to break a spirit.

I thought about this as I read and reread my friends e-mail and wondered how many times over the years that I have entertained the notion of leaving this fleshy body before I was called �home.�

What happened when I felt as if I have had enough�I thought about all the people I love, friends I care deeply about, family�and I realize it would be a selfish act. A strong faith and love of life has also been a barrier.

I received a call from one of my brothers�a high school friend of his had a younger brother that became a priest�he was 40 years old, told his wife and family he was going for a drive�bought a gun, went to a cemetery and took his life a few night�s before. Listening to my brother talk about the funeral and the young mans 80 some year old mother calling out for her �baby� broke my heart. Suicide is a sad-sad but selfish act indeed.

When I laid down last night after yet another confrontation with my husband I knew for certain I will get out of this marriage, survive, and become even stronger. I am tired of being tired and want out�but not out of life.

Please send prayers and/or positive healing thoughts to those that were left behind, friends and loved ones that are now left wondering�what if�

(My two previous entries were written from another perspective as not to invite any more negative energy into my life)

Sandyz

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