Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008 at 5:42 P.M.
I sit here tonight with just my thoughts, even with time off I find myself only in the company of my cats. Everyone has a busy life. Mine felt hectic until once again it came to a screeching halt and now I wonder where are all the people that I couldn’t spend time with because of my busy schedule. Thank God for cats.
My northern husband called last night and as if I had been held captive and isolated from a speaking world for a long time words spilled like a broken damn. We talked about my work, medical issues, this sunny state, my son, and what he feels he discovered about himself living with minimum contact from the outside world.
I sat up last night lost in thought wondering what was keeping me from reuniting with husband, deep rooted reasons not the obvious. I had this overwhelming sick feeling of how others might perceive a decision for me to trust once again. Family and friends have walked with me through dark days, I received help from many and emotional support held no boundaries. What a disappointment it would be for those exhausted in efforts to help me see the positive side to getting to know oneself, and the cup half full. I have many books explaining the grief process when losing a loved one, even if not through a physical death. I have been an inspiration for many that have or are contemplating moving on alone. It is a scary world out here and I help lead others through example. But as the voices silenced and my own thoughts thundered through my head it was his words I heard, his eyes I looked upon, his heart I felt. I remembered the man he was.
I often felt I wanted to break through this shield I have around myself, the one that holds me captive unable to move forward. I have dreamed about breaking though ice, through raging rivers, through fogs, I never get through not even in my dreams. I continue to move through motions but I fail to feel alive. I reach out and feel emptiness, my world incomplete. I have fought these feeling almost convincing myself.
My alone times I talk to the One I call God, many times I have asked for Him to help me understand my complex nature, why it appears I chose to take the road to destruction, why I have this awesome hindsight and stumble around in the now. I ask why my thoughts flow as raging waterfalls surge across the bluffs. Relief comes only as words come from my fingertips and cover pages with rhetoric. I can exhale for a moment before new thoughts once again race across my mind. What I feel in reply is “write.”
His call interrupted this intended entry for my Diary. He (northbound husband) is flying to this state and will be at the airport at 2:53 pm tomorrow. My thoughts are choppy at this time, I didn’t see this coming. This is a man that has had a fear of flying all his life, never taken a trip with me because of his panic. He is taking a jumper flight to a big city and catching a connecting flight from there. I felt he might drive up depending on my workplace decision, but never fly, that never entered my mind. He said he hoped I would see it in my heart to pick him up, if not he will rent a car. He had to know I was going to be ok, find a new place if need be or go north where his life has started over.
I need to call my daughter's.Sandyz
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Last fiveMonday, Aug. 18, 2008 - Just a dream
Friday, Aug. 15, 2008 - Blowing Smoke
Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008 - Down in the Valley
Thursday, Aug. 07, 2008 - Keeper of the Garden
Monday, Aug. 04, 2008 - Finding Peace
" When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be"
Chuck Palahniuk (1962)
Mom, Charlene Moore
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Moore Wood Works, my brother and sister-in-law.
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