5:42 P.M. - Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008
I didn�t see this coming
I sit here tonight with just my thoughts, even with time off I find myself only in the company of my cats. Everyone has a busy life. Mine felt hectic until once again it came to a screeching halt and now I wonder where are all the people that I couldn�t spend time with because of my busy schedule. Thank God for cats.

My northern husband called last night and as if I had been held captive and isolated from a speaking world for a long time words spilled like a broken damn. We talked about my work, medical issues, this sunny state, my son, and what he feels he discovered about himself living with minimum contact from the outside world.

I sat up last night lost in thought wondering what was keeping me from reuniting with husband, deep rooted reasons not the obvious. I had this overwhelming sick feeling of how others might perceive a decision for me to trust once again. Family and friends have walked with me through dark days, I received help from many and emotional support held no boundaries. What a disappointment it would be for those exhausted in efforts to help me see the positive side to getting to know oneself, and the cup half full. I have many books explaining the grief process when losing a loved one, even if not through a physical death. I have been an inspiration for many that have or are contemplating moving on alone. It is a scary world out here and I help lead others through example. But as the voices silenced and my own thoughts thundered through my head it was his words I heard, his eyes I looked upon, his heart I felt. I remembered the man he was.

I often felt I wanted to break through this shield I have around myself, the one that holds me captive unable to move forward. I have dreamed about breaking though ice, through raging rivers, through fogs, I never get through not even in my dreams. I continue to move through motions but I fail to feel alive. I reach out and feel emptiness, my world incomplete. I have fought these feeling almost convincing myself.

My alone times I talk to the One I call God, many times I have asked for Him to help me understand my complex nature, why it appears I chose to take the road to destruction, why I have this awesome hindsight and stumble around in the now. I ask why my thoughts flow as raging waterfalls surge across the bluffs. Relief comes only as words come from my fingertips and cover pages with rhetoric. I can exhale for a moment before new thoughts once again race across my mind. What I feel in reply is �write.�

His call interrupted this intended entry for my Diary. He (northbound husband) is flying to this state and will be at the airport at 2:53 pm tomorrow. My thoughts are choppy at this time, I didn�t see this coming. This is a man that has had a fear of flying all his life, never taken a trip with me because of his panic. He is taking a jumper flight to a big city and catching a connecting flight from there. I felt he might drive up depending on my workplace decision, but never fly, that never entered my mind. He said he hoped I would see it in my heart to pick him up, if not he will rent a car. He had to know I was going to be ok, find a new place if need be or go north where his life has started over.

Sandyz

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