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9:08 P.M. - Monday, Jun. 09, 2008 I will continue to dig through ashes, uncover stones while filtering through the process of self discovery. I am in no hurry to fill up a U-Haul call for a flight plan or give the word and see how long it takes for the man I married to get here. I had to write it down ponder all possibilities, although ultimately it has to be a balance between my heart and head that makes the final call. Regardless of the out come I need to release anger, sadness, forgive and move on. I did come to the realization I am not prepared to make a decision at this time, lack of trust my biggest concern, aloneness my motivator, worry for my son clouding thought process, fear of health issues and the desire to get away from that job of mine. Only one trust has anything to do with a life between husband and me and damned if I didn�t write �lack of� when referring to it. It appears we both have a lot of proving to do for ourselves before we think of together. Can I truly forgive, forget the pain, move forward and is he real or is this a fa�ade. There is much at steak here much to sacrifice; it cannot be about him�it has to be what I want. I was thinking of an entry I read a few days ago and in conversation they were referring to a picture of Christ hanging on the wall, there was a caption below, �I never said it would be easy.� I thought of that today�no one said it would be easy. I do know I still love him, I haven�t a clue why. I dream about us, I wake up he is on my mind and almost always the last thing on my mind before falling asleep. I was full of anger but that subsided, missing him has replaced those feelings. (Although I realize he is at a distance so he can not irritate me every day.) Those are the feelings I need to examine back wards and forwards. Maybe I just miss being married, maybe I feel only half of a whole, maybe I wanted it to be for better or worst, rich or poor, to death�or maybe I find it difficult to let go. Sandyz
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