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5:09 P.M. - Sunday, Jun. 08, 2008 Going to Dr�s and Dentist has thrown me for a loop. I already owe more with no way of setting up payments at this time. In the next breath there is a procedure for my back a surgically implanted devise that tricks the brain from feeling pain into feeling a �tingling/pleasant� sensation. If I have this procedure I might live a pain free life or in the least cut the visits to my Dr in half and eliminate the need for most pain medication. It is done in a two part series, first a �test run� done out patient if all goes well the second is minor surgery where an implant is placed under the skin and leads are placed next to the spinal cord. It�s called the Precision SCS System. Back stepping just a little� my job is torture on my back, by the time I get home it is difficult to walk. By adding much needed hours to my schedule I am doing more harm to my spine, I have placed applications all over this area and surrounding areas seeking new employment I haven�t received a single bite. I was actively trying for a transfer but the ripple effect of our sluggish economy is cutting employees in the food and beverage departments down to 30 hours a week. There is talk after this upcoming convention our department is cutting corners and giving three to four days off a week to each employee. Back to the present�this procedure will take four to six weeks to recuperate after the final surgery. I will need home care but there is no one here. I can hire someone to stay with me but insurance will not cover it, I can stay at one of my daughter�s homes for a few weeks but their lives are more hectic than mine, they work full time and have kids and or a grandchild to care for. As of now I have decided surgery is not an option, I am living on limited income. What would be idea is a room mate, but sad as it sounds me being here eight months now I have met no close friends to just hang out with or talk to. I have a few friends but their lives are full of responsibilities with husband or kids. My job is like being at the bottom of the temple of Babble after its destruction, until I learn different languages I can only communicate with a smile and nodding the head. I am one of five American speaking people in my department and some days I am the only one so they don�t even bother to hold morning meetings in English, there are over 150 employees in the department of the resort I work at. It is a very lonely job. I race home only to find an empty place except my cats who by the way adore me. My kids are close but always racing here or there, they have tried to include me in a few of their activities but my schedule never having a weekend off and being gone from 6:30 am until 5:30 pm conflicts with theirs. I almost made it to their day on the Lake but arrived as they were packing trucks and cars, I had no time with them but did get a hug and a maybe next time� I have a day planned with my 70�s friend to go to the beach in a few weeks but while talking to her we realized this will be the first time we will see each other from the time I moved from Longwood, over four months ago. My job has robbed me of a life and I need even more hours to make this a go. Where is that happy medium? I cannot find it no matter how hard I look and cut corners. I don�t even see it in the future; I feel I am standing behind the eight ball. I thought I could cut corners have internet, TV, and phone shut off. I don�t go out to eat or buy things so that was the only slimming I could do. I take lunch to work even water. Because I have only basic service I would only save 110.00 a month, not even close and I would be cutting myself off from all communication. Topping confusion I have now received three letters from the man I am still married to, he writes about his new life, his place in the country close to where he was raised. He misses me and feels our split was his doing; he writes he hasn�t drank and doesn�t miss it. His medications have been adjusted and he wrote that he can �feel� again. His letters are full of sorry, and requests to forgiving him. He wants me to come to his world give him the chance to undue wrongs, disappointment, sorrow. He is working now and he wrote it dawned on him the answer to a question I asked him before we left Ark��How did this get so out of control?� He wrote it was his fault after his daughter passed he gave up and went further into the bottle than he had before. He wrote that he convinced himself he was unable to work, unable to live. He wrote this gave him reason to do as he wanted over-take his medication and stay drunk, shut out the world even me. He wrote from the day he met me he loved my strength my faith and my belief that we were meant to be together, he wrote that he took that love and abused it. His words included him thinking I had saved his life many years ago, he was on a path to destruction, and I gave him hope for a better tomorrow. He wrote that all he had wanted to do was take the sorrows from the past and give me a life I so much deserved. Continuing he wrote every time he failed he grabbed the bottle to disappear saying he did not deserve me. He said he spent almost 18 years chasing his own tail, and didn�t know how to stop. He is in counseling and has talked to his family about our lives, all I need to do is give him the go, him and family members will be here to move me back the their world. If I decide I no longer want him or a part of his world he asked that I at least forgive him for all the sorrow he created. Reeling from his first two letters I got a sick feeling the day I got a letter from my son, not good news and my heart and mind have been twisted around his words. He also mentioned the man I am married to sent a letter requesting a visit. My son is sending contact information to his step father because he wants the chance to have a visitor. My son said husband wrote a nice letter; he seemed to be trying to make amends with the things in his past. The letter he received was not upsetting, my son had given up and got him self in trouble, the letter from husband came at a time my son felt all alone. The man I am married to does not have a clue what my life is like here; he envisions it to be full of excitement, family involved in all my steps, friends surrounding like a protective shield, endless days on the beach, I have yet to answer his writings. I am too confused. It feels as if there is a battle raging between heart and head, north and south, son and daughters.
A reason to dream. Sandyz
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