7:49 A.M. - Tuesday, Jan. 15, 2008
He's back
I couldn't write about it, think about it or even talk about it to some even nearest or dear to my heart. I don't understand it myself. I would tell myself he was here yes, but not really, the "us" was gone. Two people in complete darkness not able to stand alone yet not able to exist together, financially broke what next homeless? Yes, there are always family/friends to fall back on but there are times the desire to stand alone out weighs logic. Too many times I have reached out and been helped back on my feet, this time it was the "us" that brought us to this point in time and the us that once was that should be no ones burden. He will help me through this then make a decision to move on or fix what I feel is broken beyond repair.

The calls were non-stop, messages I deleted without listening to them, then one night he showed up, no notice no warning he was in the driveway.

He had alienated his family, driven away his friends, no place let to go but back to where he found shelter before, my place. Even as a feeling of failure settled in my bones, I opened my door.

I was over my head numbers didn't add up it was only a matter of time I once again would be reaching to loved ones for a place to live. I couldn't write about it, nor speak about it the pain too deep. I would spend hours in the night asking myself what happened, how I got to this place in time at this stage of my life. A job yes; enough to spread across the board of life and survive; no, basic living needs far outweighed my income, yes fear settled deep.

I felt embarrassed ashamed by my choice to allow that man back through my door, on the other hand damn it he helped create the hell I was going through. Let him walk the walk, feel what it is like not to have comfort of family allowing him to sit back and watch the world go by, be a man step up to the plate. His options were over with no place left to go. He had no idea what he was coming back to would I allow him in or send him packing back into the night. My heart far out weighed rational thinking; I could not kick someone who was rock bottom. I kept anger from my words, heated arguments non existent. Our world is too shattered to add more in the mix. We needed a plan, time to think time to move forward.

I found this new place, one-step in the right direction as I can afford it. I count the blessing he was involved during this move, I worked while he moved a portion of things. We were alone in this move; something I suppose was to be. I stepped on toes when I moved from the little room where I was living when I first landed here. I needed to be the parent, the strong one, not always looking for help when my life shifts, he needed to step up and do something/anything. Now that I am closer to my children fences are being mended a new bridge built from them to me. A strong bridge that shows no signs of weakness, yes, I can do for myself without burdening their lives.

My job needs to change as it is too demanding and gives me no sense of balance and income still not enough to fill gaps although change is around the corner, date unknown.

He has limited time to find work his finances are running low; I can't help him with that.

We don't talk about "us" the past still lingers between us and there is a bridge I am unwilling to cross at this time. Right now, we are two people sailing through the night, not certain where the boat will dock or who will get off who will stay on.

Sandyz

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