7:39 A.M. - Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2008
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I sit in front of my computer looking at a blank screen, I have much to write but no words come to life. This thought comes to mind through the muck, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me again�again; I'm an idiot.

Nothing has changed but the location; I'm still working the same job waiting for transfer. This was my doing as I was very specific what type of work I wish to do. Transfers like this take time and I am willing to wait in hopes I will not find myself in something I don't like. Once I transfer, I'll be locked in for at least six months, that's the rule.

I continue to fill out applications for desirable work closer to my new place; I'll leave the work place all together if I luck into something I find even closer to home. So far I have sent out over 25 applications but it only takes one to find that compatible job. Until then I stay at my current job it doesn't make sense to have no income and find myself back on the worry list; something is better than nothing and it is these little blessings I continue to count.

He on the other hand talks a good talk but lacks motivation to slide out of bed each morning and hit the application pavement. His negativity is maddening, his "I can't do list" a country mile long. He has found a comfort zone�my world.

I have talked to him about leaving finding a new place to roost. He wants to know where I think he should go and how I expect him to get there. Not my problem but I don't have it in me to pack his things and force him out. He has several applications in the wind but no interviews or callbacks. I haven't a clue what he says to anyone he connects with or what type of attitude he projects. He is in bed when I leave in the morning and has dinner ready when I return home, although it is nice not to cook after a long shift a job/ an income is what he needs, I can take care of myself.

Down deep, I feel he is waiting for the snow to stop flying up north then he will return to a place he considers home, me I fight depression by centering on good things in life. For the last two weeks on one of my days off, I go to my daughters and take care of my young grandson while she works then spend time with the other two when they return from school. These times are precious, as I had no contact with my grandkids while living far away. I try to live my life around him, me waiting for the warmer months so I can enjoy the lake I view each day coming and going. I find peace while gazing at the moss covered tress and listening to the water as it meets the shoreline.

I knew it wasn't time for "us" to reconnect if there ever was a time. He needed to stand on his own before being allowed to fall back into a lifeless zone he became accustomed to up north.

When he stood in my driveway I wish I would have had it in me to close the door with no regret but I couldn't, now I feel I am as much to blame as he. I knew all about tough love but could not implement it. Being alone was not a factor in my decision, I at times welcomed aloneness over the life I had before. When I saw him sitting in that beat up truck his sadness consumed me and I wanted to take it away, replace it with hope for a new life, a positive new beginning free of the past ghosts that once haunted me. I had no expectations of a life for "us" only a passage away from the hell within him.

I can't untangle the web I find myself trapped in, us in, I can only continue to keep on moving through one strand at a time. He still has his money and has chosen not to use it for beer, it has been over a month that he has consumed none. He pays in part for food, his meds, but not basic living needs. There will come a time his cash will diminish, when that day comes I pray for the strength to send him packing.

Sandyz

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