11:09 A.M. - Sunday, Mar. 12, 2006
Mirror, mirror�
My heart breaks every time I read h2ophobic the diary of a cyber stranger that lost her 21 year old son in a auto accident, the out bursts, confusion, anger, feeling like your blood is on fire, your adrenalin racing causing your hands to shake, wanting people to be close and care, needing time away from others, a world of conflicting thoughts and no place to put them. Lord I recall some of those days just as if I was walking through them right now, I recall dreaming about standing on the edge of a bluff screaming while all the world around me stop moving. In my mind it was the most blood curling scream I have ever heard but the sounds never reached my ears, it came from within. I too wondered how the world could continue to click along as nothing had happened when our world felt like we were only observing everything going on around us but feeling no emotions.

Anger seemed to be the emotion I was most able to deal with along side of sadness and grief. When we stood on the back side of the funerals I sat by the window wondering the same thing, "what now."

Life seems to shift positions for awhile and things that once felt like a comfort zone seem foreign, future plans feel futile, life uncertain. I do understand the road she and many others dealing with loss are on.

Today I too am standing on shaky ground dealing with past and present loss in many forms, the world around me feels confusing not knowing if the steps I take today will benefit tomorrow. I have many decisions to make some at work that must be made in a few days and possible changes that will effect the years to come.

The only advice I have for myself and others would know deep within your heart faith is the road back to those you have loved and lost in this life. The heart does heal; it must go through many stages before reaching a place where new songs are again felt within your soul. Live each day as if it could be your last and most important something I fear has not happened to me is to lighten up.

Over the last month I can see where I have been clinging to what I perceive as other peoples problems instead of learning about life by paying attention to how I have been reacting and understanding that I too am dealing with the grieving process.

First I must understand what is going on my head, allow this time to process then move back in step with the world around me.

I have spent much time over analyzing what my husband might be going through to help shield my own pain. We each move on separate planes and by me focusing on what he might be feeling I was able to hide in the shadow of his anguish.

I have been reading diaries about letting go of those they love, finding new love, dealing with grief, and entries about life on the go. I am seeing where each entry I read is helping me look into a reflection and first find my own solid ground, and allow others to find their own place in the sun.

The days upcoming I will redirect my focus to my own demons and take one step at a time, life is a learning ground and as long as I am in the flesh my lessons will not be over no matter which path I end up on.

Sandyz

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