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2:20 A.M. - Tuesday, Mar. 14, 2006 I had made up my mind I was going to work as many hours as I could to keep running from invisible pain. I hadn't stopped for more than a few minutes from the time we returned from PA even to digest all we been through during our trip. That was until today. Today was my first trip to the store and one of the first phone conversations that I was able to open up and feel again, the pain, happiness, tears, and laughter. So many emotions I was able to reflect back on and look at how I have been dealing with everything from the time I walked back through these doors. In January we went to a funeral and buried my husbands daughter, visited family and friends I hadn't seen for 7 years, saw my daughters who had driven down from Florida, and I visited my son in a place I could refer to as hell right here on earth. Emotions during the eight day trip ran from one side of the spectrum to the other, and the drive home through an ice and snow storm while not having the time to stop and visit family in Indiana was another devastating blow. Not enough time�how stupid does that seem? I know in truth missing any more work could have cost me my job but dealing with a loss it makes one wonder how important tomorrow really is until it starts to unfold. I went to work just a few hours after our 20 some hour trip and have worked not less than 50 hours each week from that day. Part of me was over compensating covering for my husband who slipped into murky waters of depression, the other part was proving to me I could handle all this on my own without help. My actions came with a hefty price tag, the fights began then silence settled over our little world. I not only had nothing to say to hubby but I also shut out friends and family. Work and sleep that was the world I entered and got lost in. Until today. While talking to my friend I heard what I was saying as it echoed back into my ear, Good Lord I heard myself talking and knew I was being the martyr. She said nothing to me, I was listening to myself. I did tell her as it all came crashing down and I figured out for what ever bizarre reason I was on the cross. I have reached the age and know going back will do nothing but cause pain to linger, so I must move forward with the knowledge I have today. Life is a learning ground and again I have learned a valuable lesson. For now unless it is mandatory I will not volunteer to work more overtime than what we are scheduled. I will take the time to experience with all my senses life that is in bloom all around us. I am taking the burden I have been trying to carry myself and placing it between my husband and me, together we will sink or sail, I'll not handle all of life's problems alone. Today I have felt alive; in fact for the first time from the time we returned from our trip I can say I am feeling something. The road we have yet to travel will still have many ups, downs, twists, and turns but I am going to take care of me so I'll have the strength to keep on walking. It is time to get off the cross and live again; also I must give thanks to my special PA friend that listened long enough for me to hear myself. May god Bess you always, Sandyz
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