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3:00 A.M. - Sunday, Mar. 12, 2006 During those years many things the two of us experienced together. I could list them but 16 years could well cover a great novel, or a not so great novel depending on your take of the time we have shared with each other. Much joy and many, sorrows, but through it all when we were coming out of the darkness we still held on to each other. This time I see our world falling down, like most people when things start to fall apart we try to fix them. I have always felt a great of binding twine and duck tape could repair about anything, proven many times while living on our farm. During the last year and a half I realize it will not fix a broken heart, lost trust of another's ability to step up to the plate when the others world is too much to handle, when mental conditions worsen and their partner feels lost, when cries are no longer heard when another heart is broken and they feel so alone in this world. I have been trying to place a time line on how much longer I can continue to be the stabilizing force within our marriage. I do know this sounds selfish as hubby has recently suffered an unexpected death of his child. Had this downward spiral began after our return from PA I would have been the first to understand and stood close by. But his actions have been out of control for over a year when it hit him like a cyclone he was no longer able to do the job he has done for over 35 years. His few tries of going to a clock in and out job has sent him into mental chaos, he is unable to walk back through he doors after a day or so. I have been given tapes by professionals in the medical world to help me understand this mental process that inflects my husband, and a dear cyber friend has given me much insight as she too has this disorder. (I pray I may call it that without hurting anyone) So what to do is what I have been pondering for some time, I know I am no longer able to keep my pace at work up so if things do not change I will for my own health need to move on. The drinking intensifies when my hubby is alone here at the house, but I must work extra to help cover the bills. I do understand catch 22. I am gone all the time working, he drinks because he is alone, I stay here he drinks because I panic we will lose everything. What saddens me is over the last six years we have started building a retirement home to some day be able to sit on the porch and look at all the wonders of nature. Side by side, silly thoughts but I felt this connection when we first moved to this little place on the mountain. Here is the home we have been building� Side view with my little computer room as the off set. Front view with our front porch that will one day be a wrap around to the back, over looking the mountains. Seems the two of us had been working along side each other for many years now, reaching for a day we could call our own. I pray over the next months we can rekindle what has faded due to set back, loss, and trials, then again move forward as one. Each of us on our personal path in life but striving towards the common goal that once burned fierce within our hearts, and smiling we do need to smile again. Sandyz
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