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5:01 P.M. - Wednesday, Mar. 08, 2006 My life as Dr Phil might say is a train wreck, at least my scrambled thoughts are. From the outside one would assume I am fine going through the motions of an average working person. On the inside tears are forever flowing. So much to deal with and not much free time to walk out to the woods and scream never stopping not even for air, still I move on with the hum-drum of one that has all within their world in order. What is it that is troubling my mind I often ask myself during long hours at work, well I could list them I tell myself but not out loud as many might think I am a bit unstable. If I am it is my secret not something I want to share with fellow workers. It is my deepest thoughts that bring me pain; living so far from my children, knowing my son is living a life he has little control over, watching my grandchildren grow up on shutterfly.com, having no interaction with them or many people I adore. I blame no one for my failure to live close to my distant family living in various states, as free will has allowed each of us to find our own comfort zone. This has not come without the high price of losing touch on a daily bases and having that loving shoulder to lean upon when the world feels barren or unkind. Still each of us is on our separate journeys through this life each with a purpose for each step we take. For what ever the reasons our choices through this life did not allow us to walk together day to day. The times we do spend in each others company is awesome; memories are born and relived through laughter and many photos, those times are priceless. Weeks I have been going through have been most difficult dealing with the distance in miles between those I love and then trying to decide if my journey at this time has lead me to the right place in time. I have felt unsettled, restless, sad, lack of interests, lonely and most of all very much unloved. I understand much of this could be a whip lash of the not so distant death we had last month and this month being the anniversary of another death of a child. No matter how much time that has between the days he went home to now have yet to quiet the intense grief I feel during certain times of the year. My sorrow is compounded by the mourning of his mother, my daughter, his aunt, my daughter, his sister my granddaughter, his uncle my son and the many, many loving people that felt the bitter sting of loss. No parent should ever have to bury their child. At times I feel how unfair this all seems, not to have lost one child in our little life but now two. I argue with myself this is not a punishment from the God I so love but mans free will that brings much unhappiness to everyday existence. I sit and watch my hubby fall into the trap that so many get lost in when bad things happen, we do not place ourselves there, our thinking overruns what we have learned about life and for awhile we may get lost in the darkness. Some times someone can reach in and help another out but first that person who finds themselves in a dark place must want to see the light of the living. My hubby is struggling to walk out of that cold unforgiving place his mind has taken him. But for some reason we are not aware of he may decide it is safer to live in a shallow world where pain already exists and nothing else can reach in and hurt him again. For now I am an outsider who has tried to get a spiritual word through the wall he built, only he has the power with the help of our Lord to take down the barrier and walk away from the pain he is living everyday. Then he may come to understand that his life and others may never be the same. But we will all grow and appreciate how precious our lives are. We will never forget those we lose to this life and pain in time will be a void that we will carry with us until death. The sting of loss will chew at us many times but faith will dim the ache in time. My prayers seem futile but I can not stop asking the Lord to intervene, I say little now as I have reached a place I can not cross; only hubby can build a bridge that will bring him back to this life. I do pray for my strength as my tears are few; I am just going through the motions knowing one day a decision must be made. I do however pray my husband will soon be standing in a clearing and our lives will again be one, each of us on a separate journey, but walking along the same path, hand in hand.
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