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6:09 P.M. - Tuesday, Jun. 28, 2005 No one in the room directed a look at us as we came through that obnoxious door. All were totally engrossed within their groups. This was a special time, no time for others to gawk at new arrivals. Time was precious during these moments, for me I knew they would not come each week but with luck and money a yearly visit might unfold. In an instant sadness overwhelmed me. We moved through the large room heading towards a small desk with several uniformed men attending it. My heart beat quickened as I scanned the faces of few men that were seated in front of the desk. Their eyes followed our move across the room. One stood up, it was a moment before I connected this man as my son. A uniformed man put his hand in the air and the man-child, my son sat back down. He was dressed in a jumpsuit, I don't recall the color. I couldn't get over how tall he seemed, how grown up he had become. The flashes in my mind were of days long ago that his blond hair flirted around his temples, small hands held fishing worms, a young face buried deep within the fur of his dog. My child had grown. It hadn't been that long from my last visit but those visits's evaporated leaving behind the mist a young child. As the guard looked through our paper work my mind took me on a journey from days long gone, a day sitting at the beach listening to dreams from my son. I recalled every word he said that day, I recalled the smell of the ocean breeze, and I remembered the color of the sky as I looked into a sea of green, my son's eyes. Now I was looking at those same green eyes so faraway from the dreams he spread before me that day�no I couldn't believe this was God's plan. We were allowed a quick hug and shown where we would be allowed to sit and visit. I was allowed to go to the concession and buy what ever we wanted. I wanted to buy every thing for my boy. I wanted to get him a slice of watermelon that I recalled was kicked out of his hands when he was only eight years old. I wanted to give him every thing in the few hours we were allowed to stay. I wanted to trade my life with his. After several deep breaths I gained control of my racing heart and looked my son over. There was a spark in his eyes, one that even the sorrow of life could not extinguish. I will learn from him. He looked healthy and well fed, and for this I was thankful. My deep seated fear has always been one of my babies although grown would be in pain or hungry. Maybe every mother has this fear at times. My sons humor was contagious, the visit wonderful. The peace he has found within his surroundings was remarkable. No blame was cast besides upon himself. Regrets were many but words of faith filled the void. My son had made many mistakes but through it he had grown. Time was up and buzzers sounded�we were asked to leave the visitors area. With each step a part of me remained, a tear fell for every year his life would not be his own. I know that parts of me I left behind will forever leave an empty place in my heart. Time and faith will help heal. We had one more visit past the wall that would take place the following day. I could do this; my son has shown me the courage to except the things he can not change. He said from me he was given the gift of faith and that will carry him through. For that I am thanking God. As we were walking through the lot, gravel crunching beneath our shoes I held fast to the image of a young man many years ago sharing his dreams with his mom, just the two of us overlooking the ocean. I still believe in miracles. Sandyz
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