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6:41 P.M. - Wednesday, Nov. 17, 2004 The thing about staying on top of a gushing wave rolling along at an incredible speed is the times you can no longer stay on top of your board. The wave of life moves perpetually; no matter how hard we try we are knocked off balance and sucked under. Swimming back to surface, climbing back on, standing again while testing the bruised ego is a challenge we all go through. Welcome to life as I have heard many times. To me it is faith that allows me to trust that again the waves of life will continue to carry me through unbelievable obstacles even when I feel a doubt creep into my spine a time or two. (I feel I have held a bat during this ride to swing at thoughts of skepticism that has plagued me most my life) Over the last year while fighting the nicotine demon I have spent more time trying to stay afloat than standing on my surfboard. After I stayed free from nicotine for over a year, it seemed I could stand-alone and ride the waves. My desires to smoke had finally diminished. Wanting to feel like the "real" me is still a balancing act. Thirty years of smoking incorporates smoking within your persona. The two become intertwined, so when you unravel part of your self and toss it aside a new person emerges. I have been working day to day with this, making progress surfing the waves. A week ago out of the night a deer racing across the highway made contact with my Blazer. A flash in the dark was a reminder how fragile our balancing act in life is. I recall a glimpse, the breaking of glass, and the horrible thumping sound as a creature of God went home. My transportation can be fixed, my life was spared. The next day, the information came in about my husbands pending surgery, scheduled to be preformed in a county a few hours from this part of the world. He will be unable to move his arm for six weeks minimum. Ok�faith jumps in again and I know he will heal. This is a temporary setback. My transfer to day shift was post poned AGAIN, this time I may be looking at the move not happening until after the first of the year. Oh wait they say, "When the business picks up." Now I am off the board of existence. The undercurrent of life has pulled me under. I feel tired all the time trying my best to swim back to the surface. I feel the need to see the sun, the sky, the path to heaven. I am not ready to go there I only feel the desire to remind myself the path from life moves onward. A few more set backs continue to push me back under water each time I take a breath. My writing has halted, my letters behind, house a mess, and sleep is overtaking my off time. I still drag myself to work each night and manage to continue to work to the best of my ability. I feel I am now hanging onto the board, kicking to keep moving forward. On my way to work my last shift out of the night, another deer slammed into my rental truck. Too much damage was done to my Blazer and was not safe to drive. Driving a nice rental truck I again felt the ride on top of the wave of life. Once again in a split second of existence I was reminded how fragile life is. This time the set back did not sweep me under by the current. I laughed. It will all be ok. This is life, take the good, the bad, the sudden, the unexpected. Find humor and ride on. I looked back over the last few weeks and realized how many blessings I do have. I never once thought about feeding my addiction to nicotine. I am still smoke free. My husband will have the surgery and life will return to normal one day. Well, maybe not "normal" I have not a clue what that would be like any way. The element of surprise has kept me scrambling to find my way back to my surfboard. Thank God, I was taught to swim. See... it could always be worst.
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