I totally flipped after getting a primary treatment plan from my dentist. I was prompted to make an appointment after chipping a front tooth. I have a habit of burying even important things when life feels over bearing. If I close my eyes it will all go away, not so, a neglected tooth was chipped. I did find out the front tooth can be fixed it has not decayed… note to self, do not open little jars with teeth. I had looked at the bill and felt the impossible, I couldn’t afford out of pocket expense.

I received information about back surgery and after goggling for days I found recovery time to be 4 to 6 weeks, I again felt the impossible.

A huge medical bill was rejected, I CAN’T PAY IT!

I then got a distress letter from my son, my world crumbled.

This morning I looked at the dentist plan and was thankful I have dental insurance. They have a credit payment plan so I applied not for the entire amount but for one crown. I was accepted in the program. My plan now is to apply for each procedure breaking it down in little amounts. When my insurance pays me I’ll save that amount for the next procedure. It will take time but I will get my teeth fixed one at a time. Looking at the big picture was overwhelming going step by step was possible.

I called my pain management Dr and set up an appointment for next week. I have been fearful of something I haven’t a clue of the results, options, or treatments. I don’t have to have surgery that is a choice.

I resubmitted the medical bill.

I believe I was looking for reasons to give up and run back to what felt at the moment like a comfort zone, something I lived for almost 18 years. In reality I would place my self in a position to lose several teeth never know what can be done about my back, have my credit riddled with failure to pay and not know if the man I married has really changed. If the past is any indication of the future he will buckle when saddled with responsibly.

He like me is lonely, but his life is a not stressful. He has no responsibly, no payments; he has state assistance for medical, food stamps, and cash assistance to take care of daily needs. His mom said he planted a garden. He lives in the country so people are not a nuisance his contact is with supportive family members. He doesn’t work full time he does little jobs when he needs a few dollars; his mom said I wouldn’t believe the change in him for the better.

What concerns me is if I chose to return northbound my burdens would push him back to drinking…I have all the bills. When reading his letter’s I get the feeling he is thinking we can both live in the mountains and work here and there just for necessities. He wrote I would be able to get medical, or so he thought.

I fluttered at the chance for freedom the chance to write with no worries a chance to spend time with my son. I could taste the freedom from work I could smell it. I believe that was only a dream, reality would be me finding a job with benefits and working as I am now. (If the past is any indication of future actions)

Time will tell the story, chapters added some deleted pages torn others in a safe place next to the heart. I haven’t a clue what I’ll do during the next exhale but for now my long range plans include taking care of me…I am capable of that.

For my son, all I can do is write him, love him, and keep him in my prayers.

Sandyz