2:11 P.M. - Thursday, Jun. 12, 2008
One stone
I totally flipped after getting a primary treatment plan from my dentist. I was prompted to make an appointment after chipping a front tooth. I have a habit of burying even important things when life feels over bearing. If I close my eyes it will all go away, not so, a neglected tooth was chipped. I did find out the front tooth can be fixed it has not decayed� note to self, do not open little jars with teeth. I had looked at the bill and felt the impossible, I couldn�t afford out of pocket expense.

I received information about back surgery and after goggling for days I found recovery time to be 4 to 6 weeks, I again felt the impossible.

A huge medical bill was rejected, I CAN�T PAY IT!

I then got a distress letter from my son, my world crumbled.

This morning I looked at the dentist plan and was thankful I have dental insurance. They have a credit payment plan so I applied not for the entire amount but for one crown. I was accepted in the program. My plan now is to apply for each procedure breaking it down in little amounts. When my insurance pays me I�ll save that amount for the next procedure. It will take time but I will get my teeth fixed one at a time. Looking at the big picture was overwhelming going step by step was possible.

I called my pain management Dr and set up an appointment for next week. I have been fearful of something I haven�t a clue of the results, options, or treatments. I don�t have to have surgery that is a choice.

I resubmitted the medical bill.

I believe I was looking for reasons to give up and run back to what felt at the moment like a comfort zone, something I lived for almost 18 years. In reality I would place my self in a position to lose several teeth never know what can be done about my back, have my credit riddled with failure to pay and not know if the man I married has really changed. If the past is any indication of the future he will buckle when saddled with responsibly.

He like me is lonely, but his life is a not stressful. He has no responsibly, no payments; he has state assistance for medical, food stamps, and cash assistance to take care of daily needs. His mom said he planted a garden. He lives in the country so people are not a nuisance his contact is with supportive family members. He doesn�t work full time he does little jobs when he needs a few dollars; his mom said I wouldn�t believe the change in him for the better.

What concerns me is if I chose to return northbound my burdens would push him back to drinking�I have all the bills. When reading his letter�s I get the feeling he is thinking we can both live in the mountains and work here and there just for necessities. He wrote I would be able to get medical, or so he thought.

I fluttered at the chance for freedom the chance to write with no worries a chance to spend time with my son. I could taste the freedom from work I could smell it. I believe that was only a dream, reality would be me finding a job with benefits and working as I am now. (If the past is any indication of future actions)

Time will tell the story, chapters added some deleted pages torn others in a safe place next to the heart. I haven�t a clue what I�ll do during the next exhale but for now my long range plans include taking care of me�I am capable of that.

For my son, all I can do is write him, love him, and keep him in my prayers.

Sandyz

previous - next