6:58 A.M. - Tuesday, Sept. 04, 2007
It pains me to think like that
I feel bad when I find myself losing compassion for someone, every one has a story and when our lives are broken we react then regret. Sometimes through anger, which I believe, generates from fear, sorrow, hurtful words, or ways we then live with regret.

Life in the flesh is too short; more remorse is not what I want to add to my platter, my plate is full enough.

Yesterday was a quiet day unlike the normal two day binges that man finds himself on. He cut too deep, said too much the night before. Nothing can be undone words do not dissolve; actions have consequences no reason for any more "I'm Sorry."

I took off for a brief time and found a place my cats and I can go this coming Saturday the day for the showing of the property. I spent several hours moving household items to the shed for log and tag. He helped carry many of the larger items. No quarrelling no asking why I was doing anything it was a peaceful day. He stayed hidden behind his private shied me behind mine, we are less than a month from auction day reality has settled in, loss is loss no measurements or comparisons needed.

My heart aches for both of us, many years together, many memories have taken flight, and our life together is broken beyond repair.

I made a list, (I know you hate that Zuzu) but so many things to do and they swim through my mind endlessly. Now I have them listed and can stop thinking and start marking things I complete off the list, old habits die-hard.

He is back in my prayers, he is as we all are, a child of God, I wish him peace.

I believe we all in some way deal with personal demons, some stronger than others but they are with us. How we deal is a private choice and I cannot feel comfortable in thinking I have the right or incorrect ways of fighting back. I have taken the Lord forgive me road many times during my life. How can I without regrets judge another when I myself could be judged harshly?

Judging others�not my area.

I hope I learn more about myself during this time, I long to understand why I continue to find myself walking similar paths with different people. What attracts me to some with as much baggage as I, why do I chose to merge my broken world with theirs, I suppose in I am asking myself, what the hell were you thinking again and again?

I have a long drive ahead of me in the near future; I will be more mind settled and can sift through the sands of time hopefully finding the clock that ticks within me. I need time alone, a chance to get to know and better understand myself; I often wonder if I will like who I find buried beneath the flesh.
Sandyz

previous - next