11:00 P.M. - Thursday, Sept. 06, 2007
Why am I so confused?
He is leaving; we sign papers this weekend for him to insure he gets his split from the auction.

I have been so unhappy with him here, us being together has been a nightmare, why do I feel as though tears of regrets will never stop. I don't openly cry they spill through my soul, I feel them each time I breathe.

In less than a week he will drive away with his belongings, not much, they will fill his truck bed. That man I spent nineteen years of my life with will for the last time drive down that dirt road.

I already feel alone. I will wait here for the upcoming auction; I'll be the one returning to an empty place when the final call of the auctioneers voice is lost in the wind. I will wait for the money that was once everything we called our belongings. I'll make final preparations and rent a little trailer, by mid October I'll one last time travel down the dirt road leaving what once was called our Ozark Dream..

Why can't I sleep at night, why do I still wonder what happened, why do I reminisce about one Christmas here that was special. Why do I recall the good times, why do I think about his favorite foods, the things I use to say that made him laugh, his favorite color, why do I care?

Why do I have unrelenting feeling of loss, why do I want to hug him one last time, why is my heart breaking, why do tears fall, why do I remember the first time I saw him? Why do I think about how his eyes use to dance with my soul, why can't I let go right now, why can't I dance for joy, why does this have to torture my soul, why?

This is what we both want when together we torment each other, why do we have to be so different, why couldn't we have danced to the same songs of life.

Why can't I find it in me to drink away the sorrow, why can't I sleep the days away, why can't I find a place to bury my memories and think of the road ahead?

Why did we walk through hell and back and hold on to one another, why did we find ourselves in another nightmare get lost within ourselves loosing each other?

I know the truth; it has spilled from so many others, why didn't I see it? Why do I gaze around and feel his dream, why do I feel like screaming, why do I want to melt away?

His dreams are not mine, his path is not one I long for, his world clouded with liquor and antidepressants, his drive for life has diminished, his work ethics have long ago left him, so why do I feel the pains of defeat?

Why do I wish our story had a happy ending, why do the songs we loved play over in my mind, why do long for what never could be?

I can't nor would I tell him my thoughts, it wouldn't be fair to allow him to be burdened with my anguish. The decision we made was to protect one another when life's fork in the road lay before us, we each chose a separate path.

Why do I look at our cat Zeke and know he will miss his bearded friend? Why do I think about the day I bought him in my shirt pocket when he was abandoned , and that man telling me no way, not another cat then later loving and giving him a name, together nursed him to life?

Why can't I be overjoyed about my new adventure, why all this sadness, all this loss, this heartache, why am I so confused?

Sandyz

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