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5:16 P.M. - Thursday, Sept. 14, 2006 One night last week I couldn't sleep, (ok that happens allot) but this night my mind was in horrendous a whirl wind. I had hit my fifth year anniversary at work and we were right on the heels of 9-11, emotions were raw. My hire date was 9-9 five years ago. I got up and wrote a 20 page letter telling no one in particular what all has happened over the last five years at work, as I perceived it. It was stated out to be a list but when I started the letter it just poured out. Bad, good, and unjust, yeah most of it was negative. After about two hours of sleep I woke up got ready for work and reread the pages, I felt wow, all the pain, tears and some laughter all within those lines of mostly hateful this is what happened to me in the past. I decided to print it out and give it to a certain someone that I felt caused so much misery over those years. I took the letter to work. Some time throughout the day I realized how peaceful I felt, I had in my locker all I wanted to say for so long and at end of shift I would give this to the person I felt the words needed to read by. I wanted to be the hurter now�dang it was my turn. Some little nudging came across my mind about two hours before our shift was going to end�don't hurt anyone with words that couldn't be taken back Now it didn't feel so good to have so much anger in written form. Out back we have the enormous trash masher, I couldn't stop myself. I went to my locker got those written words and took them to the trash destroyer. I tore it up, sprinkled them like dust in the wind and pushed the little "shred" button, I watched as the crusher ate all my hate. I felt good, like I had just experienced a five year purging. I had let it go and hurt no one. What difference did it all make any way, it was the past and nothing could turn back the clock and change it. Plus along the way I learned much about life, others, and myself. Had it been so bad after all? I think not in retrospect. When I came home I came right to my computer and without reading one word I deleted my letter. I haven't had a bad thought or found myself seething in a pool of anger from the day I wrote and trashed my on fire feelings. Best part is I didn't hurt anyone through anger in written form. I did say a little prayer for the person I felt the need to lash out at, the day I trashed it. I have managed eye contact during change of shifts and a smile here and there. A few words were then being spoken and all through kindness, no more I wish you would drop looks. My last shift that person was at the time clock and spent a few moments updating me about the family and told me he hoped I had a nice visit next week with mine. Just idle chit chat before I walked out the door. I did the right thing, I know it now. For once I did something I feel good about, I let it all go. That person has been added to my daily prayer list as I wish only good things, no more wanting to bring up what is over and done with�the past. Today I got my hair cut and I will begin to prepare for my upcoming trip with a carefree mind. Ok�like I have noted in the past I am a procrastinator, I will get my packing done a few hours before my trip. For now I count days, hours and moments and feel blessed the little nudging in my mind out weighed being the hurter. Sandyz
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