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11:25 P.M. - Thursday, May. 12, 2011 Did I mention after my visit with my son on Mothers Day I stopped by the super Wal-mart and spent five hours looking for stuff to fix up my bedroom. For as long as I can recall it has been a source of embarrassment to me�hanging up my 17 year old comforter on wash day, or what was left of it, made me feel sick at heart. There was never any cash for me to �fix� things up�so after awhile I just stopped looking. I kept the room in the dark. I had made my sleeping room out of the living room�the couch became my solace. After Basement man left I little at a time migrated back to the bedroom�still I kept it in the dark. Nothing on the walls, curtains that matched nothing and old wore out blankets covered the sheets. It took several because none of them were queen size. I felt compelled to cover the comforter that my daughter had bought me one Christmas many-many years ago�had it not been for her I wouldn�t have had one at all. That room was a mix match of years of pain�a reminder BM had shared my life. That following Monday I spent hours remodeling my bedroom, new comforter, sheets, ruffle along the bottom mattress and lots of pretty pillows�all matching. Wow�new curtains, a nice curtain rod and several new pictures hanging on the walls. The dressers were cleaned off and a little �faith� night light now shines a pretty blue, (it was moms) and a bed side light with my favorite books close by. I sat little mementos on the dressers�a picture of mom, my grandson, and my family. I hung a picture mom had painted for me so-so many years ago�my room complete. Several times that day I had to just go stand by the door�it was amazing, I was moving on. The room is a reflection of me�the part of me that I lost sight of so long ago. It was the first step, a new step�one I fought at the store when I almost put every thing back because of an underlining fear BM would see it. Then I remembered�this is my life! I have yet had a bad day�some thing about loving to look at my newly decorated room and the little letter still burning in my head�the one my daughter wrote to me for Mothers Day. It is in a frame sitting close by. When ever I feel that little nag of how little my life matters�I re-read it and know I do matter�to more people than I realized. I was for so long poisoned by BM and his hurtful words and actions. The lost me is coming back to life�and I feel wonderful about it. I looked back through my diary but not for long. I can�t afford to stand too long in the past. What my eyes opened up to was the years I have traveled such a rocky road�I in a way took you all along with me. What a crappy ride you all have been on, back and forth�up and own. Fears, sorrow, tears, regrets, and a little light along the way. However, some how you all managed to continue to walk with me, encouraged me, and even when you all knew I was heading in the wrong direction�you stood by me. Coming from the heart, as it is the only way I can write�I want to thank all of you. Without your support, your inspiration and love�I wouldn�t be as strong as I am today. It would have been so easy to just allow BM to re-inter my life�gave up hope and just exist. Your words gave me strength, courage, determination, and helped guide me through some extremely dark times. Some times I still fear the me that felt that darkness closer than I ever admitted. In many ways you helped save my life�many of you have no idea how true that statement is. I know with out hesitation after mom passed I lost all ability to move forward�I was stuck in a dreary world I desperately wanted out of. Your comments and determination not to let go brought me back�back to the life I so longed for years ago. I have always remembered a card I found years ago that read� �If only all the hands that reached could touch.� That little sentence brought me to tears many a time. What I found flipping through the years I have noted in my writings�all those hands did touch�no matter how many times I reached out. And often when I failed to reach out for fear no one would be left. From the deepest part of my heart I want to thank everyone�thank you for helping me, never giving up, and leading me back to life. Sandyz (The wonderful people that have allowed me to live in this house for a few years now have assured me I will never be in need for a place to live are going on a mini trip starting tomorrow. I will be gone from my home and computer for three days and nights. When I get back I will be back to Diary Land and catch up with everyone�s life. Lord only knows when someone might reach out�I want to be waiting. I want to give back) xoxo
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