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6:14 P.M. - Friday, May. 06, 2011 I became the master of disguise�my voice did not give away this murky time I was stumbling through. The painted smile showed no signs of indiscretion. My alone time was reclusive with no direction�some nights I stayed up long enough to watch the sun rise and would hear the alarm go off before I laid down to catch a few hours of sleep. I would often go to work on less than 3 hours of catnaps. No one noticed� The last several weeks I have forced myself to mow the lawn, to plant some flowers�to take walks�and the fight within my self would rage on art class nights. Most of the time I went but fought the feelings of wanting to flee�for no apparent reason. I don�t know what set this unproductive chain of events in motion�to much noise in my head??? Too much loss? I don�t know�it crept over me as a snaky vine moves cross a fence. People that are in tune to my slip and slide moods gave me the distance I so desperately needed, but I am sure they knew something wasn�t right. The positive news is I am totally broken off from BM�the blazer title came in my name and I got the spare key and the garage door opener. His final words��I suppose you don�t need me anymore.� I lowered my head and told him�take care. I felt closure�however the cloud of doom hovered above me. An early Mothers Day writing came from my youngest daughter�my world changed, my thought process as well. All my feelings of failure, incompetence, bringing so much heartache into the lives of my children�my feelings of disconnect from my core family. The chain linked never ending thoughts that my life had been a waste and I in no way had any redeeming qualities to pass along�.all of them slid through me and set me free. It was like a quiet voice through the storm�one that felt so openly honest and sang of unconditional love. A letter written from the heart, is was that� that is what brought me back. I went from fighting battles raging through my head of what a waste my life was, to seeing through the eyes of my youngest child, the one that got caught between two disruptive marriages�with BM we rarely had a dime to spare no matter how much I worked. This was her words to me� Nicky Durham-Roy May 6 at 3:28pm {{MOTHER M- is for the money�the change that we rolled to get the stuff that �I HAD to have or else my senior year would be ruined� Money that we didn�t have or did have�either way it doesn�t mean love or accomplishment or happiness�we have all of those in spite of. O-for the ohhhh so many hours we talk�over coffee, on the porch, on the phone, during midnight swims�about what?? Everything!! T-for the tears�the sad ones, happy ones, hurt ones, or the ones that were shed from laughter. The ones that you have wiped from my cheeks or the ones that I hid from you�or that you hid from me. They were seen�and felt�together. H-for honesty that we always had for and in each other�sometimes it took a little digging�it was and is always there. We both have to remember that sometimes the truth creates worry but we are going to worry either way E-is for every�every moment�big and small in my life that means anything you are with me. Although, not always in person, you are with me in every decision I make, every step I take, every word I say (sorry for the language ) you made me who I am today�thank you. R-for being real�for being a real Mother and showing me things that are real. Teaching me about real life�beauty, love, forgiveness, sorrow, fear, trust, humanity, anger, sadness, courage, honor, regret, faith, knowledge, kindness and even hatred�the reality of taking the good with the bad�because sometimes you need a little darkness to see (and appreciate) the light. Thank you for being my mom�because you are my mom so wonderful people have come into my life�Grandma�your mother�a gift to this world and the next, she lives within us, Grandma Clara�I didn�t know her well, but am lucky to feel her love and kindness through you, Jennifer�the best sister and friend that someone could have, Silas�my brother, with all of his faults, one of the strongest people I know, Dad�(should I mention faults again�lol) a great dad, most of all You�the person who brought us all together�the tornado that whirled us together and the rock that has kept us in place. Through good times and bad a pillar of strength and courage that I know sometimes you don�t feel that you have but it exudes from you so that everyone around you can feel it. Thank you�for being Mom, Mother, friend (yes, I believe you can be both), soul sister, spiritual guide�everything that you are to me is everything to me.}} As tears rolled down my cheeks, I knew�I knew my life wasn�t a waste after all� Sandyz Todays�Nicky after a day of �mudding�
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