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8:10 P.M. - Saturday, Apr. 16, 2011 I was going through papers and drawers and stumbled across BM and my marriage certificate�I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at it. I was 38 when we got married BM was 40. I was only 36 when we met. A flood of memories cascaded through my life form. Not memories of our life on the mountain, Florida, or the life we had once returning to PA�reminiscences of the world that existed long before I really knew the man I married. I was busy living a dream�horses, my dog baby, and assorted critters. Writing critique meetings, displaying my oil paintings all over the area�art class was another thing I loved, and much loved critter sitting. For a moment I wished my eyes had never been opened�I didn�t seem to care what he was doing�in my fog like dream I thought him to be my soul mate. I really believed I loved him�he even fooled my children�they still recall the other BM, the one they grew up with, admired and loved. What a fool I ended up being. We can�t dismiss the fact he cared enough about my mother to drive in a heart beat to Memphis and move her in with us�nor can we forget the man that cared enough about my oldest daughter to make a snap decision to drive all night to Detroit and back to PA when we felt her life was in danger. We moved her and my two grandkids in with us. No complaints. My son gives credit to BM for teaching him how to hang dry wall and he remembers how patient BM was all the mornings he would bang on his apartment door to wake him up so he wouldn�t miss a day of pay. It isn�t that they would ever understand if I had chose to reunite with him. There is too much bad blood between that distant life to what got us to this point in time. Still there is a sadness that seeps all the way through my essence. Some days like today I wish I had the tears left to cry, to cry all day, all night�to weep through my pores and end up being nothing but a puddle�when the sun came out I could evaporate and disappear from this life. I am so tired of being in pain, drained from being out of breath trying to do even the simplest of things�exhausted of just trying to live one day at a time, weary of these emotional tides I ride. BM and my anniversary is in less than two weeks�he turns 60 years old in a month. I feel like a jerk for the pain he is in. Not so much that I would cave and allow him to come back. It is too late�I saw him, I got to know the man he really is�or isn�t. He has honored my wish that he leave me alone�however, his mom called last night. She understands but I could hear the worry in her voice concerning him. I understand from a mothers point of view. She understand from a wife�s view. Nothing seems right any more. I made a decision that came from the heart. I made a trip to Indy that I felt would help bring our family together�what better way than to offer love and support. It backfired�the slow steady work I had been working on to bridge the gap between my dad and myself went to shit. We might as well be light years apart. I haven�t a clue what went so horribly wrong. I went with the intent to help out and ended up feeling like a burden�or in the way. Or maybe it�s how proud he is concerning my life choices. There has been silence from him from the time I returned home, despite several attempts I have made to communicate, even sending pictures. The silence is maddening. I find myself not even caring any more. I refuse beat my heart to death to try and find common ground. I tried just once to talk to him about a new book I have been working on and the look he gave me was like someone staring at a stranger�an alien that was imposing on his thoughts. That day in Indiana I felt like shit. That�s my dad. I love him, however, there are times in life we just have to let go and move forward. The time has long ago ended that I need his approval. Today the world is grey�tomorrow maybe the sun will shine. I sure hope so�I so dislike the voids in my life that can never be filled. It is a lonely time�a sad time. Some times I feel as if I lost both parents, both mom and dad. At least the house is clean. Sandyz
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