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1:51 P.M. - Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2011 I was wishing others would�accept me for who I am while in turn I wasn�t seeing the complete picture. I hadn�t taken into account that it was not up to others to think this or that�it was me that needed to redirect my thinking. It is time for me to become more like my mother instead of having unjustifiable expectations of others. I was the one that needed to be the change that I hoped to see around me. It is me that should be more accepting and tolerant of others for just who they are in spite of any differences or inconsistencies that I felt was negative. I do understand one of the �stages� of grief is anger�even though I believe with all my heart we all grieve in diverse ways. However, with grief anger does rear its ugly head at times and one may find themselves expecting others to have infallible insight to even the smallest of things we fail to express. What might appear as rage may be a deep seeded sadness that has festered and can find no escape. I have often heard when someone is extremely livid it is often internal pain that has found a foothold with no release�except with heated words or actions. I said I wasn�t angry�but reading my own words I felt that anger�that slow boil. It can some times make one want to run-run far away. Many of my dreams lately have centered around racing against the wind in some form or another. I suppose it could be in inward cry or an attempt to release the devastation of loss that seeps within the very fiber of my soul. Maybe just too much suffering in such a short time. I try to some what minimize it but at times find myself stuck and unable to move forward. I am in agony. I miss mom, I miss life in the country, I miss my sense of worth, I miss things I am unable to center my deepest emotions on. There is something that has been ripped from my essence and I feel a void impossible to fill. �Finding religion,� is not the answer for me because in order to find something�first it must be lost. I am already content with my beliefs and have had an unbreakable faith from the mid 70s�if anything I have developed a stronger relationship with the one I call, �God.� I will admit my faith has been shaken to its core but also evolved over the years. I felt I should never feel cornered to defend myself, or explain what lays within my heart and soul�that is between me and God�no one else. However for me to wish others to accept me for who I am, how I live, or what I believe or not� is wrong� it�s backwards. I must find within my heart to accept others for who they are�then I would be more like the mother I miss so dearly. Sandyz First we come to terms with our thinking�only then can we hope to bring comfort to others�
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