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4:13 P.M. - Thursday, Apr. 07, 2011 From the time I left home at 17 or a bit before if counting the times I�d often run away, my life has been lived for some one else�or a multitude of others. My likes, dislikes, dreams and thought process were often altered to what I felt was the best for the children I brought into the world. They are my greatest blessings in this life so I don't harbor, I should have�could have. The most difficult experience of raising children is letting go when their wings are set to fly. When the children moved on with their lives I allowed myself to became trapped in a abusive relationship that should have ended long-long ago. I often wonder what happened to the �brave� me that ran with my kids to another state to escape a past abusive relationship. It seemed as if once the kids were no longer a factor my self worth became zero and I remained in a relationship that was both unsatisfying and unhealthy. But�that life is the past, and I find myself on a new road�one of aloneness. I am not unhappy with my solitude�what I find my self struggling with is the absence of mom. I continue to miss my mother with every fiber of my being�and I have began the process of examining my relationship with her to help me through another loss in my life. And hopefully to understand why I find it so difficult to let go and move on. After all the older one gets the greater the possibilities of losing those we love becomes. I feel if I can understand where my unhappiness and confusion is coming from I can shake the past and glide more freely on this new path in life. I have uncovered the fact I no longer want to be married�not to BM nor to anyone else. This is a time in my life I am uncovering my hopes and dreams. I have never had the opportunity to be just who I was destined to be. I am eager to walk in these shoes. First I must shed light on what feels to be holding me hostage. Mom was the link that held our family together�often keeping us informed of how we were all doing. She loved us each on the same level no matter the differences in our lives, the paths we chose or beliefs we have. She had no expectations of any of us so it would have been impossible to disappoint her. She respected each of us as individuals and didn�t try to sway us to follow her path in life. When she was happy and felt fulfilled she shared her insight with no hope we might run along side her and feel happy to experience life as she did. Mom had a deep rooted belief we were all diverse individuals�respected us for just who we are and did not try to sway our thinking. If anything she encouraged everyone to follow his or her own heart and find a comfort zone in which to experience life as we felt was right for each of us. From the time mom passed I have been dealing with �voices� in my thought process�some times they are so loud I often stumble through a simple day to day. I long to move right when a voice is shouting to go left, if only I would think this�or that�I might find the peace I am in search of. I am a rebel at heart� A gypsy at heart� I have my own set of beliefs and when I am hammered with all the things someone believes I should be doing instead of where my heart is longing to go I become agitated and feel as though I would be better off running so far no one I know would ever find me. I often long to disappear. I am a runner at heart. My �fight or flight� reflect is always�flight. I am not a confrontational person. I suppose this writing is confusing to many, but for me it screams if only�if only� If some that are close to me would just stop for a moment�not pass judgment�not try to mold me into what they think will lead me to happiness and bliss. But for once�just once� accept me for who I am, love me for what I believe, care enough to allow me to stumble and make new mistakes with out trying to push me into some thing that feels foreign to me�some thing that is not me. And allow me to be who it is that I was born to be. To just love or like me for the person I am. That is what I miss about mom�unconditional love with out confrontation. Without trying to tell anyone what is right for her was the correct road for all to travel�why can�t more of us just love or at least like each other for who we are. No exceptions. Sandyz Left to right�
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