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5:21 P.M. - Monday, Mar. 28, 2011 Good news is BM is still out of my life�going to therapy every week has helped keep me strong. I would be a liar if I said I didn�t miss a few moments with him, however the man I loved is not the one that continues to try and beat me down with his empty words of love and forgiveness. An example of a night I felt the tinge of �missing,� was while watching a television show we both had always shared�I laughed at something on the show and turned to my left where he use to sit and started to make a remark about the humor�BM wasn�t there. I felt a momentary void�that�s all. We had the �final� confrontation when I agreed to meet him in town�my objective was to get him to sign the Blazer over to me, (BTW) I paid for it. Still he maintained it was half his�ass hole. He felt it was time for him to move back in with me�he really loved this house�he thought he hated it only because he was depressed. His intention to this meeting was to explain to me he never said he was going to move for good, and had only left before someone got hurt. He admitted he had thoughts while sitting in the basement of taking �someone�s� life. Some how within his twisted mind he has convinced himself that we had agreed he would move out for a short time and try to figure out how we could get along without the fighting. BM wanted me to know he never thought this was the end of our marriage or he would have never agreed to leave. None of this is my recollection�I am grateful I kept a journal about the goings on over the last year and a half. Plus I shared much of his ranting with my therapist in the event something would �happen� to me so the fingers would point in the correct direction. In a way I realize this in part was my doing�I have excepted this behavior time and again and always allowed him to come back�no matter what. This became a pattern so it is understandable he would have felt once he was ready to start over the door would open. What a shock when it stayed closed for the first time and why he is hell bent on proclaiming his undying love. It worked every time before. I also realized just because my past actions set him up to return, that I had the ability to stop it now. It isn�t always easy�he plays the victim so well. I didn�t feel safe meeting him at the house�and felt it would reopen a swinging door and possibility discredit my restraining order. We met at a local store and sat side by side in our separate vehicles and I listened to his nonsense. Thoughts went through my mind if I had not written events down I might have had doubts about the series of nightmares that unfolded over the last year and a half�darn near two years. I held my ground and reminded him over and over what he was �missing� was an illusion of what he had hoped would happen�also how many times this same scenario has played out. I could go on and on, word for word�but easier to just say�same shit different state and time. I held my ground and let him know our life together was over. Then came the challenge�get him to sign over the Blazer, it was in both our names. I had a document from Florida signed and notarized to allow me to get ownership over the blazer but come to find out that wasn�t the same as me being the sole owner. When the conversation came up he made a shocking statement�the Blazer was half his (name on the title gave him rights) never mind who really paid it off. And�he had plans of using it to make his month long �vacation� to Ark to visit friends, then over to Mississippi to visit his cousin and a swing back through Ark to pick up a trailer and wood he was purchasing. This was surreal�we went back and forth, who paid for repairs, who bought tires who made the payments over the last three years�me-me-me. Finally I hit below the belt just enough to let him know this was not going to happen�I�d blow it up first. (Like that would be the answer.) It ended up we went on the place that handles title, tag, and car ownership transfers, and I paid to take his name off of it. One might wonder what the magic words were that turned this around in my favor�the one thing that motivates BM�money! Yep it costs me�just like everything connected to him has always done. I have lost more cash and possessions during my twenty year marriage to him than one might if their house burned to the ground. However I have to look at the little gain I made�the Blazer I basically bled for�is now mine. Another small step on my road to freedom. Plus�if there had been a lingering spark for him somewhere buried deep within me�a tsunami washed it the hell away. Sandyz Sometimes it�s our children and grandkids smiles that keep us going. This is my great grand daughter, Allye, taken in March. She was three years old Feb 2011.
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