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11:08 P.M. - Sunday, Jan. 02, 2011
Just words...
Had a wonderful time in Florida with my kids and grand kids. I have so many pictures but have failed to look at them once getting home. Everything felt perfect while out of state but had a mini melt down on the way to the airport for return flight home.

I kept it together so no one knew...damn, I have perfected hiding behind an invisible wall of pain. Very few if anyone knows how I truly feel...that is a good thing because I am even a mystery to myself. I have got so good at hiding who I am I have lost track of myself...and I don't care.

This was the best Christmas I can recall having in what feels like forever. My kids bought me a GPS for my Blazer. One of my biggest concerns was not knowing where I was going.

Literally.

I love it...when I left Pittsburgh airport I didn't look at a map quest, my girls had already put in faves. It was like having someone sitting beside me telling me where to go once I hit, "home." All the way home there was this feeling of comfort hearing a cheerful voice..."turn right, left, stay in the left had side of the road..."

Coming back felt surreal...I missed my cats, they missed me. The place feels empty, just empty that is all I can think to describe it.

I miss my mom.

Allot.

I miss her voice. I miss her caring what is going on. I miss the perfect words that made life seem OK no matter how fierce the winds or shaky the ground beneith me.

I miss my grandson...we all do. No one talked about it Christmas morning but unspoken words screamed within the void.

I felt bad...he should be here not me.

I was up laughing with the kids almost all night wrapping gifts Christams Eve...that nagging I kept hid down in my belly...it should be me missing not him.

I watched a few movies and cried...don't know why I picked sad ones, maybe I wanted to cry. Maybe I don't know what the f*** to do.

I feel lost. (never mind...got a GPS)

I brought back a cold from hell...the coughing has kept me up the last couple of nights.

There was no food in the house when I got home...didn't need it while I was gone. I felt lazy and went to Dollar store and bought cereal and milk...some potato bread and a can of some kind of meat spread. Nothing sounded good...so I ate cereal and applesauce....just because I could.

I haven't turned on the stove, I don't care. The micro has been silent, I don't care.

Right now it is all I can do not to melt away to the darkest of pits...maybe when I get rid of this cold I'll feel stronger. Maybe I'll go to a Dr if I don't feel better in a few days...maybe not.

Yes...basement man is gone, his stuff is gone, there is a void.

No one was here when I got back late that night. All was silent. Silent.

I didn't unpack until this morning, I didn't want to...there is so many places to put my stuff. So much empty space.

I am glad he is gone. I am not glad our marriage is over. I would be a fool to be happy about losing two more decades of my life to an abusive man...but doesn't mean I can't be sad because life is so f***ing unfair.

I am filing for divorce within this coming week...I want to close this chapter...too painful to drag out. I want to do this alone...it is my burden, I want to carry it alone.

Don't ask.

I haven't cleaned up the house, I haven't opened the curtains, I will not open the door...this is my time.

I wanted to visit my son but did not want to pass this cold on to him or anyone sitting close. I'll drive up next weekend...surely it will have run its course within a week.

I worked the following day I got back, I hid my cold and all my tangled emotions. Everyone thinks I am fine...maybe I am. Maybe not.

I can't think of any thing else to say...however I have so much to say but I want to bury it for now. I want to watch another sad movie...a reason to cry.

Someday I'll watch a funny show and laugh from the heart. I often wonder if that is even possible...do I even remember how.

There is a missing...maybe it is me that is gone. Maybe there is a new me hidden some place...I might even like her.

Maybe.

Sandyz

 

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