12:28 P.M. - Tuesday, Nov. 30, 2010
Playing my cards
It happened just like I felt it might�I was writing and he came in, sat in the chair at the back of the room. My back was to him, it was an uncomfortable feeling. Turning around in my swivel chair�not forgetting to minimize my page first there was that look between us, not love just recognition. Didn�t need to hide my writings they are of no concern to him�he never had the desire to read the first book I wrote�the one I personally signed to him with love. He couldn�t read it now if he wanted�after mom passed away during one of his idiot drunk spells I ripped it into zillions of pieces and tossed them over his head like the first snow of the season. He said nothing and never asked for another copy�I think I would eat it before sharing it with him. I did feel better watching the little white fragments drift over him�I might have even smiled.

So here he was again�rarely do I see him besides in passing, he spends his awake time in the basement. He wanted to �just talk.� Guarded the dreaded words spilled from my lips asking what did he want.

He felt he was rushing ahead of himself�planning a move out of state right now might not be in his best interest. (�His interest�) why no surprise coming from me.

Tensing up�where the hell was he heading this time.

A feeling of calmness flowed through me as he shared his plan�find a place for himself in this state and wait for a few years. The attraction calling him south was fading. I wasn�t surprised�once I drew the battle line and made sure he understood I was not going any where with him, it took longer than I thought but I knew he would figure it out soon enough. He can�t support himself.

The conversation between us was polite enough�he thought he might be asking for too much money from me.

((You think???))

I felt I owed him nothing. However, if paying him was my only alternative�so be it. Rules had already been chiseled in stone back when I agreed to give him (his much deserved�HA�money) �(I hate that) but for my safety it was necessary. Knowing he is motivated by money there was an agreement he would not drink at all while he was living here. So far he has kept his word�he hasn�t had any thing to drink in almost a month�he is mad as hell every weekend but too bad.

Long conversation short�

When my first monthly check comes in all the bills will be paid by me and he keeps his check to complete his move out of this house. Most of his stuff is already out. When my back pay arrives I give him half of what he is asking for to lock down the deal on a rental his daughter helped him find. (Don�t even want to know where)

Third; we met at a lawyers office and both sign divorce papers�BOTH pay half the cost. Surprising enough he wants a divorce as much as me. Once I have a copy of the papers and he signs the Blazer over to me�he gets the final payment from me. Lets call it a severance check.

I felt the weight of the world ease off my shoulders when we both agreed to these steps�.and he was no longer in my space�he went back to the basement.

This morning I started a search of things I want to do once he is out of my life�I looked up Niagara Falls, wow, only five hours from here. This trip was added to my new dream/bucket list along with sites in Washington D.C. and New York�so many places I have always wanted to visit but stayed locked in a marriage with BM who/whom? never had the desire to go any where except to his cousins in Mississippi or to the beer store.

Sitting back I asked myself what is it I want to do over Christmas�of course it would be to spend it with my daughters and grandkids in Florida.

I dug deeper�what would I really want to do�

spend a day/night on the beach�them go spend Christmas day with the kids.

I thought�why not??? What is stopping me?

I don�t have to be right in the center of their Christmas Eve and morning�I need to find the me that has been lost for many years. I don�t even know who I am, what I like, my favorite this or that. There is an uncertainty what I even like to eat any more. Some where in the last two decades my life the real me became wrapped around someone I was not compatible with, my true self locked herself away. Over the last month there was a wondering if there will be recognition when I do find her�will I even like her?

While writing the 50K novel over this month I dug so deep into my thoughts it came to me late one night like a spot light aimed at my heart. It was so clear but buried deep�my insecurities and low self esteem left me wide open to fall back into BM life while living in Florida.

I was afraid to live alone�I had shared my life with him for over two decades and questioned my ability to enjoy my own company. Why I did this�not a clue. What is important is knowing it was allowed.

Advice was coming from every direction�during this time BM was calling/writing and racing back and forth, north to south while his mom was on the phone telling me how much he missed�loved me.

There was no time to exhale.

Getting a divorce this late in my life terrified me every time someone mentioned it. So I dismissed all thoughts of it. My life appeared to be locked in fast forward with no safe place to rest.

Questions to myself included rather or not I even liked who I had become�how much of this was my doing, had my actions been different would we be separated, him north�me south.

Confusion and mixed emotions were constant companions the entire time I lived in Florida�there was a tremendous relief when we crossed over the state line leading to this state. I wasn�t confused any longer.

Problem was�it wasn�t clear back then�how unhappy my true self was�I had settled back to a comfort zone that was as poison as arsenic.

No more! This is my life and it will be my decision on steps now taken to reclaim the freedom that I deserve�for me most important is to cut all ties to BM�a divorce now sounds appealing, finding my true self is my new goal.

Today�my heart feels free. However I am not walking in the dark�there will be difficult days ahead but I am better prepared to embrace them and understand it�s ok not to be positive all the time. There is much to sort through and I look forward to each new day�new adventure, both bitter and sweet.

My first adventure might be the drive alone to Florida a few days before Christmas�a night or two on the beach. Sitting on the balcony watching the sun rise and nights just listening to the waves, alone time walking along the sands�the waves passing across my feet. The drive alone to my daughters house on Christmas day�enjoying my family.

A few days to visit with south bound friends and a unhurried drive back north. This time there is no fear of waking up alone while staying on the beach�no desire or longing to share it with someone. No wishing someone else could experience what I will�just a knowing this is my time.

Alone time so desperately needed.

Sandyz

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