6:01 P.M. - Tuesday, Nov. 23, 2010
Some thing very strange
I haven�t a clue how this happened but while writing my novel and following an out line that lived in my mind�my story took on a life of it own. It got a pulse�started running away from me. While typing my story I continued to turnover and examine stones and dig up bones from the past. The story that was intended to be written changed course.

It is no longer a novel about an enabler�the deeper I clawed into my past the more I learned about the me that has been buried beneath layers of years. The person that I once was came out of the dark�the dreamer, the goal seeker, the lover of life, the person that enjoyed interaction with others, and then came the raw unveiling of truth that I was never deeply in love with the man I now call husband�soon to be ex.

Little red flags that have been blowing in the breeze for a couple of decades is now standing in the light in written form. Warnings early in our relationship that I dismissed, the perfect connection�my �soul mate� was just what I had dreamed about not what really was happening.

The man that I have stood up for so many years didn�t deserve my loyalty, my covering up the truth, my love. He deserved none of that.

For the first time I saw through the smoke screen, the lies, manipulation�all because I wanted to believe. I wanted to set a good example to my kids but instead�I am learning from them�they didn�t like him after all the crap he pulled in Ark and his insensitive actions he made during his back and forth travels to Florida. I was told by my youngest daughter if they had they felt I was coming back to PA just to be with my husband they would have stepped in�but deep down they felt my returning was more for my son�their brother, so they kept quiet.

This was the first time I realize they didn�t want me to leave the sun shine state�those were the sweetest words I have ever heard.

Some how this new novel is putting all my past actions under the spot light and I am learning about the person that stopped living many years ago�the one that lived behind a door of lies, covering up for someone that never deserved my love, let alone my devotion.

My new life is just a heart beat away�a breath�then I can once again smile through the eyes, dance if I want to�but most important re-learn to be me�the me that for so long has been held captive behind a bitter man, a man so negative that the weight of it has been crushing me. Soon so very soon I�ll be free.

Sandyz

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