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6:41 P.M. - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2010 I have extra shifts at work which is a good thing, I can pay bills. Most of my free time at home has been working on the novel for NaNoWriMo�surprising enough I am once again caught up with my word count. Writing time at the computer is lost when working but the next time I sit at the computer I write a bit more. I hit 30 thousand word count today, {{big smile.}} There is a lot about my self I am learning as the story unfolds, it�s like going back through time and uncovering the past bit by bit. Pealing an onion�digging up bones. Some of the writings make me smile�other words cut through the heart. A few days ago while walking the dogs at work I started thinking about my past, the diverse roads that have taken me to this point in time. Thinking about some of the feelings that drifted through my mind while pounding the key board I felt a sadness over some of the lives I have lived, steps that were taken, bridges crossed, and valleys I aimlessly wandered through. While searching for a point in time that created this ripple effect that has kept me in a dangerous cycle of self destruction I was unable to decide which if given the opportunity I would altar. Not to misunderstand that I enjoyed all the events I have been through�there just wasn�t a place in time to put my finger on that could be taken out and not have missed some thing good that came from something seemingly dreadful. In other words if there was a way to undue a part of my life�everything that followed would be different. Of course I would not be sitting here with someone I feel more contempt for than anyone else in my past�however some of the ripples in this wake was positive. The optimistic changes in my son from my time here is something that would not have happened had I not returned. Meeting and reuniting with some of the people here has been awesome. The time I had to complete my first book�priceless. With this understanding I can continue on this journey knowing the steps I take now will be the ones that mean the most�this is my future. Holding back the urge to harm someone will not be a daily struggle. (Through words�not by any other means�not that it isn�t tempting.) There is a need to try each day to see that life is an awesome adventure and not get caught up in despair that is looking at me this moment. Every thing changes and during these trying times I need to stay focused on what is within reach�(freedom from madness) and try with all that is in me not to lose who I truly am in the process. Down deep I am aware I am not the bitter angry unfeeling person that I often catch a glimpse of when seeing my reflection. My true self will emerge undamaged and my lust for life will return�that is my promise to myself. Sandyz
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