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11:42 P.M. - Sunday, Nov. 07, 2010
Changing perspective
After reading comments and notes there was realization I am looking at my situation as hopeless. These raging and conflicting emotions have made way for unbelievable negative thinking. Part of me is just tired, been there�done this way to many time to even have an honest count. The closer it gets to waking up in a positive environment my thinking has been consumed with all the what-ifs. These final months have ripped the soul right out of me, and backing further away from everyone has been my reaction. Intense longing for my life to belong to me has consumed my thoughts. There has been too many feelings of anger�most of it directed towards me�the rest to the man that lives in the basement.

Asking myself a thousand times at least�why am I right back in the quagmire of a real life soap opera.

Reading one of the notes there was advice to look over my past entries�that was one of the most painful things that had already taken place. Then asking myself after reading so many of my past entries, why-why, in the hell was it not re-read back a few years ago. This crap started, or at least that is when I owned up to it, back in 2005. Beating myself mentally half to death while trying to understand what drove me to even listen to that man�s BS.

I agree with the comments that his family played a huge part in the decision to come back to PA for one last try back while still was living in Florida.. There was no stopping to really hear what his mom was saying�only the parts I wanted to hear. Every time he did something that scared the crap out of his family or embarrassed them his mom would call. She talked about how much he loved me, how he missed me, how he wished he hadn�t destroyed our life together or put us in a position to lose everything. How he wished he had a opportunity to make things right. It�s happening all over, when there is worry about his safety�his family members jump in reminding me of his vulnerabilities.

I didn�t listen closely back in Florida when his mom told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Why was the question not asked�was he the �best� thing that happened to me?

When he was so drunk at a convenient store, the calls came�when he was sitting in his truck with guns locked in it with him, more calls. Every time his mom was fearful for his life�her solution was to get me back in the picture so he would have something to live for.

I didn�t ask myself would this give me a reason to live while trying to put the pieces of his life back together. That little voice in my head screamed warnings to me that this was not a good idea�.if past actions were an indication of the future.

Also with helpful suggestions from those that are helping through this nightmare�I must not give up�not lose hope, and not to lose sight of the future. Everything changes, so this too will soon be over. When my mind starts playing on that slippery slope�read what has been written tonight, yesterday, last year, and keep right on reading until I wake up.

�Hate,� is too strong a word to live with, that being part of the struggle. Longing to despise him was a battle, learning to let go with kindness helps ease a troubled heart. I will get through this.

Thanks for all your helpful comments�my life line is getting stronger. There is hope that in the coming weeks, maybe a month that the new path I find myself on will be one to once again learn to laugh, to breath, and to live.

Sandyz

It�s ok to feel a little fearful, lonely, and very small in a world that overwhelms me at times�just need to remind myself that I can do this and everything will be Ok�
A quiet walk in solitude�

 

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