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5:44 P.M. - Friday, Nov. 05, 2010
I don�t trust myself at times
I came home from work to a different man. On the table was a DVD that I have wanted but not willing to spend money on. Also a pizza from my favorite pizza place. I went down stairs to thank BM (Basement Man) for his little olive branch.

�You�re welcome.� was his reply. Then it came�how sorry he was to have been a jerk all day on my birthday. I told him it didn�t really matter anymore and he insisted he should not have made the day a nightmare.

It wasn�t really I had a Dr�s appointment over and hour and a half drive from here and I drove slow and took my time coming home. However I do agree he was a super jerk for being such an ass when this was my first birthday without mom. Very sad day.

Before leaving work the woman I work for (that man I live with, his uncles wife) talked to me a little about BM. She told me he had been a topic of conversation with yet another family member. They felt he was damaged, broken, unfixable, and unreachable. I agreed, but felt this tightening in my heart. I hate that. She said once he is gone they all predict he will fall the rest of the way apart. They say they have no hope for him. He has destroyed everything he has come in contact with�even his own family.

That entire conversation made me feel ill at ease, sick to my stomach�I some how wished I could just disappear off the grid. A place to run, a place to hide, a place that he would never be able to break through. A place where my heart could grow cold�a safe haven any where but here.

I don�t want to be the one that slams the door in his face when he comes back�and he will be back I feel certain of that. I want the opportunity to move forward with my life�not have it like it was while living in Florida when he walked in and out of my life.

The part of me that cares is my biggest battle/struggle�I know what I want and with therapy I am searching for the brave woman I was so long ago when I had the courage to do what I felt was the best decision for my kids. I walked out of an abusive relationship and took them to another state.

I don�t know what is it about me that has a difficult time feeling my own worth and knowing 100% for sure that I am strong enough to keep him at a distance.

I have no fear of being alone�my fear is hurting someone or watching idle by as they self destruct.

When I got home his daughter had posted a picture that she took of him during one of his visits on my Face Book profile page. She hasn�t a clue what is going on�he will not tell his birth family his plans to leave. As I looked at the picture I felt a sadness that bore its way through my bones�how could all this have gone so terribly wrong. I couldn�t sit back and look deep into his eyes�I saw the pain but haven�t a clue where it was coming come. I hate-hate-hate!!! This part of me. I want to see his picture and want to puke, to feel only anger, to detest, anything but empathy. I feel like crying�to have stopped loving him wasn�t as hard as convincing myself that I hate him. I don�t want to feel anything. Nothing!!! I just want my life back�

At least I am aware of my shortcomings and know with out a doubt I can not do this alone. I will continue to go to therapy until I know for absolute that I can trust my own judgments. All I have to do is realize my life, my dreams, my future is important too.

God�if only it could be that easy.

Sandyz

 

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