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5:13 P.M. - Sunday, Oct. 10, 2010
It�s complicated
How much easier it would be not to write, but in order to free my mind to release it is to compile it. Seems once I do that, it frees my mind to find new shores to drift along�so write I must.

There has been so much excellent advice given to me and I have given all a considerable amount of thought. Thank you all for your input as I can see the end results are the same�get away�set myself free of this madness. One of the most important things I must do is have a bank account in my name�right now it is a joint account. I hate the use of (can�t) so I�ll use the phase�my biggest challenge will be just doing that�open an account. My name only.

The method I am paid at work is the barter system. I work for rent�and other living expenses, electric�etc. Soon to be ex receives disability from the state. This is where the arguments start EVERY month when his check comes. He believes he should be able to keep all his check, and refuses to feel obligated to pay half rent etc. I don�t �see� any income unless I work over a certain amount each month. The last few months I have done just that�work more than what it costs for rent and living expenses. I was able to get the ball joints on my Blazer�even when almost ex had said he would pay for this�that was almost a year ago when it almost failed inspection. My blazer was due back for inspection this month and if I had not worked over and beyond�the blazer would now be sitting without inspection, tags...causing insurance to be discontinued.

For some insane reason that man that lives here feels he should be able to pocket his check because all the �important� bills come out of time I work. He wants to continue to buy beer, smokes, any little tool he wants or like the $150.00 worth of wood he just had to have. That pile of wood now sits at his uncle�s house�it has to dry at least a year before he can use it. WTF�??? He is planning on moving�or is he???

I tried my best to talk to him about this over the last few months�I wrote down every thing that is paid when I work. I pleaded my case with him in vain�the bills are paid, so who cares how they got paid�his check is his�not for this place because�yes�you guessed it�he hates it here. But here he is. He will not leave enough cash in the bank for me to buy even the smallest of things. The things I told him that were important was sending cards and even just a tiny gift to acknowledge my kids and grand kid�s birthdays. I see them fly by, just freaking fly by. I also don�t understand why I can�t have a few of the little girly things�you know like eye make up�silly stuff. But to me it just might be important.

This month I had an early appointment and needed to get my payment for working extra in the bank to cover a check. Soon to be ex offered, and like a dumb as*, I set myself up by believing he could do some thing so easy as to make a deposit. I had it signed and filled out. As you guessed�he changed the deposit slip and kept out one hundred and forty dollars. I went into shock when I saw the slip. I was going to get him back by taking out that amount when his check was deposited. You guessed it�he was at the ATM machine last Sunday and withdrew another $140.00. So there went the blazer payment. I couldn�t believe it.

I worked 12-hours on Friday then Thursday morning that man came in here and asked me if I wanted him to be gone for the weekend so I could have some alone time. A miracle!! Yes�I wanted that very badly. When I told him YES!! He asked why. I popped back with a question asking him if he enjoyed all the alone time he had while I was at work, at appointments etc�he honestly answered �of course.� �So��he said he would spend the weekend with his son.

Yippi�I thought.

I came home Friday night to a drunk�nothing unusual�I hid out in the computer room, just trying to stay positive about the wonderful weekend I would have. He is NEVER gone�always right here�always an as*.

He stopped by the computer room on one of his trips to the bathroom and told me he had to take out money for his weekend trip�OMG we were already short of cash and another blazer payment behind. I looked at the withdraw slip and asked WHY he had to have so much for two days at his sons house. �Beer and smokes!�

Saturday morning came along�he was in bed. That as* didn�t get up until afternoon, then he spent the rest of the afternoon in the basement�still here come night fall. This morning (afternoon) he just got up�2:30 pm. He drank all last night.

So the weekend is fast coming to a close and he never took a step out the door. I�ll be gone all day Tuesday-Wed and maybe Fri and Sat�or next Monday, Tuesday. He�ll be back in heaven with more alone time. I got an empty promise to show for mine.

If I had any where I could go I would already be gone�however I need to stay in this state.

For now.

The sweet news I received was I just might have won my disability claim. I had a court hearing last week�I didn�t tell as* hole, and if he had found out and shown up he would have been removed from the court house. My lawyer knows the truth and is the one helping draw up an order of protection papers. My therapist is helping locate a place for me to go until I get the letter from my hearing, a safe haven of sorts. My lawyer feels confident I won the case�the judge was extremely nice and compassionate, he talked to me about the importance of getting away from that man. I hadn�t wanted it brought up at the hearing about the life I have been suffering�however, my lawyer said it was imperative to be honest and I allowed the testament from my therapist.

It was difficult to listen to what she had written�even though it was full of compassion. Setting aside the 5 inch file concerning my on going health issues, that in it self was devastating, all four of my Dr�s stated I should have been disabled back in Ark. No words explain how I felt listening to all the health issues I now have; the resent heart problem came as a crushing blow. Then my shrinks report� she found a name for what she called the severe depression I was in. It noted I was suffering from separation anxiety, PTSS, and living in an abusive home. I wondered about the separation anxiety�was it mom, my Florida family, my son, our home in Ark, family across the states??? I don�t know and will ask her when I see her next week. I think it might mean I miss the hell out of living�just life.

The judges final words were��get a plan in motion��his decision would be sent within the month. He wished me luck for my future and said to look for new avenues in the creative world to help me through this transition.

My lawyer was grinning ear to ear (victory = a means to escape)�he was more blunt in the parking lot. �Get the hell out of that house, and away from that man.�

And I will�

Sandyz
Longing to be free�

 

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