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5:00 P.M. - Saturday, Oct. 02, 2010 When March moved forward and mom passed I lost myself some where between the times I laid eyes on her motionless life form to when I got home. She was breathing�no�machines were breathing for her. Much of that time in Indy is a blur. The ride home alone through the pouring rain and the snowy roads when crossing over the mountains is only a memory, deep within those memories I recall being angry at my soon to be ex. Where was he when I needed him the most? The little screamer in my head reminded me he has never been �there� when my world was in turmoil�once we moved to Ark. I knew then I really needed help... Last month soon to be X was almost out the door�some of his things were already moved to the little travel trailer we lived in when first coming to PA�I felt a surge of relief. I have been so down never having a day to myself. He is always here and I was looking forward to him moving out. Then the crushing blow�he wasn�t allowed to go back to his aunt�s place. He sat around for days, for weeks lost in his own world of depression. He told me he had no where to go�that was his last option, unless he had the money to go south and find a place on some blasted mountain. I spent most my time trying to keep out of his circle of depression, away from the never ending negative vibes being projected from every spore of his body. I worked allot last month which helped, but not one day I was off did he find a place to go even just for a day. I felt trapped being closed in with him so I walked when ever the weather was fit. I tried a few times to lose myself in Yoga but he would find any reason to tromp up and down the stairs. Weekends he spent his time drinking�just sitting in the basement. Last weekend he came up to my computer room and sat in a chair close to where I was just messing around looking at interesting news and reading about people that were far worst then I. He started to talk�something he doesn�t or hasn�t done. He asked me if I thought therapy would help him�I told him yes, if he was honest with the therapist and really wanted to get to the core of his problems. I told him it wouldn�t be about me�it would be about him. He sat for a few moments and told me he wanted to seek help and asked how he could set it in motion. We discussed this for about an hour and he actually seemed like he was interested in coming to terms with his deep rooted problems. He went down stairs and came up with a beer, he asked me to locate some music You Tube. We sat together until the wee hours of night finding music from years gone by. He asked me if I felt there was any hope of getting back the us that once was. I was careful and told him it would depend on him�his willingness to work together as a couple and not only live for himself. The drinking, smoking three packs of smokes a day was killing us financially. I told him I would be willing to work with him and try to repair our marriage. (Little white lie) Deep within the most I was praying for was him to come to terms with his self and possibly realize there was really nothing left of the �us� he was thinking about. He wanted to see the counselor I was seeing and I felt she may get him to think about his self and just maybe he would let go and move on. In plain English�get the hell out!!! That was last Saturday�come Sunday he complained all day that he felt like crap because we stayed up half the night�it didn�t stop him from drinking the rest of the day. Monday he was back to sitting in the basement doing nothing. Tuesday I worked 12-hours and when I got home he was in the basement complaining about how awful he felt. He said he slept most the day and by the look of the house I didn�t have any doubt. Weds I was off work and when he first got up he was already planning his nap time�he told me he was going to drink coffee, eat and go back to bed. I raced through the house cleaning, vacuuming, and disinfecting the disgusting bathroom. He was back in bed before 11:00 am. I took that time to mop the floors, did five loads of laundry and dusted. He didn�t get up until after 5pm and told me in passing he was going to bed early. Thursday I worked all day and came home to the same negative crap�I was wore out and he went to bed leaving the kitchen with a mess he had made. Yesterday he came back up to my computer room and told me he didn�t want to go to counseling. He said he didn�t have anything to say to anyone, he didn�t think he was doing any thing wrong. After all he did was stay to his self in the basement minding his own business�he then told me he was going to have a few beers. (Big laugh! A few????) I told him I was not his maid and he never did a blasted thing to help out�he said he didn�t see any reason to clean because he didn�t make a mess�he only came up to eat, crap, and sleep. I was even more tired just listing to his BS...I work and if I don�t clean up around here it just gets worst�I tried that. It has dawned on me over this last week his empty words about how he wanted to get back together, his willingness to seek help; his empty promise to try once again to quit smoking was the big lie. He played me again to be able to have an awesome night drinking, smoking, and dig his heels further into this place he hates so much. He is only looking for a place to leach off of, a free place that he doesn�t feel like he has to take care of. I hate him�I know that is a strong word but I can�t recall disliking every thing about someone like I do him. I also have come to the conclusion he isn�t going anywhere. He will stay here as long as I am here. So�I am actively searching for a place of my own. I�ll get away from him some how. I just know it� Some day soon, Sandyz
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