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8:23 P.M. - Sunday, Aug. 01, 2010 Our marriage is a disaster and comes with so much stress that some days there is feelings of not wanting to open my eyes, let alone get on with the day�in spite of everything just move forward. What choice is there-what blasted choice. Not certain if it is the failed marriage that has left us both living in the same house�but nothing more. He hangs out in what I refer to as his hole, (basement.) When not working I clean the house and then retreat to my world, (computer room.) Or�it is the missing my mom so desperately that has kept me in a daze�life just doesn�t feel right. When trying to answer e-mail but find myself lost in Face Book games or reading just so not to think. Thinking is tiring. He did try to quit smoking and for a few days there was a feeling things might be on an up-swing. He started Chantix but again short lived. This is week four he has been taking the stop smoking pill and although he is down from three packs a day to two�he still smokes. I continue to encourage him but he says because I never lost a child to suicide, I just don�t �get him.� Thank God, that I have been spared a loss in that fashion, however anguish is all too familiar. We do nothing together, he sits and stares at nothing�I go on long walks and look at nature. He views the world as the cup half empty�me, not knowing how I view the world or my life any more�it is nothing to put in words or any clear form of thought. His negativity wears on any one close to him. Every thing around him is viewed dark�there is no escape living with him. He wants to move south again�but that is not the answer. I have refused to follow his madness, some how things will work out�if only he would leave. My work load has been horrific, last month there was four 15.5 hours a night�then returned to day shift for 12-hour shifts. Lord I was tired. By weeks end I will be going to work early Friday morning and will not be off until late Saturday night. This is not complaining�for once we are caught up with all the bills and the Blazer will be repaired next week, it needs ball joints in the front end. Also some positive news�my daughter Nicky will be here tomorrow with her husband and three boys. (My grand sons) I work tomorrow but have Tues, Weds and Thursday off. I can�t wait to see them all, spend time and even laugh. God�how long has it been that laughter has come from the heart? By all counts we could have Dish disconnected�we haven�t watched TV in weeks; catching up with news is easy on the computer. Right now it feels as if life is moving all around me but I am stuck on a treadmill, racing, but going no where. There was the trip made to the Dr that found I now have a irregular heart beat�several tests later and after wearing a heart monitor for 24 hours, tests came back�my heart skipped 9, 000 beats in that period. There is a thickening of the aorta valve and concern that my heart beats more irregular while in a resting state�and my feet and legs swell. There will be more tests, but was advised to meditate and do what ever possible to avoid stress. They might as well told me to jump in a lake and don�t get wet. There is this not believe this is happening�but again with all the stress we�ve been going through, why the big surprise. Sensing this isn�t dangerous, there are meds or they can place a pace-maker in the upper chamber. First they have to figure the whys, and where�s, for sure�check the other valves and get a better look-see by going through a vein in my leg. And a stress test. Some where deep within my essence there is honest love of life, there is no giving up on my end. The weather here has been hot-hot. Love it though, always been a sucker for high temps and the desire to get in the water. Often in dreams I am floating on a raft and have no where in particular to go�all I know in my dream is I�m going someplace longing to be. Trying my best to get back in the swing of writing, knowing there is a need to vent�a voice to be heard�just don�t know what to say. However to sum it up�I miss my mom. Some days there is a feeling it is a good thing she is missed so much�it only shows how much love there is to be experiencing this much pain in her passing, My heart goes out to every one who lost a parent, child, or any one we have loved and lost to this life... Sandyz My Florida grandsons will be here tomorrow night� My youngest daughter Nicky�will be here tomorrow night. (She is holding my great-granddaughter, Allye. (Allye will not be here this visit)
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