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9:40 P.M. - Tuesday, May. 18, 2010 See�once again the feeling of being agitated is suffocating me; my mind is all over the place, my concentration�nonexistent. I am going to keep writing, if not I never will. Some days I wonder what is wrong with me. It is a lost feeling, a void�as if I am on a small chunk of soil and the world is floating away. I often reach out but in my mind and no one reaches back. This is only an illusion�in truth many have offered to listen to my incoherent ramblings. I continue to say, �All is fine, life moves on, just getting by, one day at a time.� It is my inner thoughts that play trickery, thoughts that dance around something so powerful they don�t connect. In plain English�I miss my mom more than words can ever express. I have been unable to express my deepest thoughts to my therapist�these are my thoughts, I keep them safe. I know this isn�t making any sense�logic for me is, I am writing it down�writing it down. When I see her picture, I fall apart, her smile, I cry. When I hear her voice, I get goose bumps�but not in reality�only deep within. When looking at me or relating to others I show no emotion�I keep them safe. What I have done for self preservation is remove all wall paper from the walls in our home and painted living room, hall way, dinning room, kitchen and up and down the stairway, two shades of blue. I finished yesterday�the effect is soothing, awesome, a feeling of newness. I started back to art class, the same class I attended while living here before. The same people are still there as well as a few new. I find comfort being around a group of people that mom and I both traveled to art shows with many years ago. We all feel the void�we just don�t talk about it, except moms awe-inspiring art work. Once again I am working in oils; I am working on a winter scene for a friend in Florida that purchased an incredible amount of art supplies for my birthday. That was late October�it is about time I put them to use. For me the most important thing I have been doing is studying a book my mom designed a cover for, "Success: Full Relating� Spirituality for the 21st Century and Beyond by Friar Justin Belitz, O.F.M. Fr. Justin attended mom�s service and spoke in her behalf�I will forever be grateful. When he spoke about spirituality I was awe-inspired, so much of what he talked about seemed to open a closed door within my heart. I know it was already resting there�his message about peace, love, and forgiveness�I just couldn�t open my heart to this concept when I would see or witness horrors of the world. He now has three books out, mom read the first two and Fr. Justin asked her if she would consider designing the third cover�of course she accepted. The third�sadly�with her design, a heart and rose on the cover, was released the day of her passing. She never saw it. So�I read it for her and everything became crystal clear concerning all her e-mails about the first two books. There is a self study guide after each chapter and I have been working on those and listening to the CD�s mom sent me. I feel as though I am pealing an onion�shedding my skin and connecting with something deep within that lay dormant for so many years, like an awakening. Mom met him at the frame shop she worked at and after talking on many occasions she read his first two books and listened to his CD�s. She wrote and told me so much about what she was reading-learning and relating to. She was in contact with him at times via, e-mail. (He spends time in Australia as well as in the US) She had sent me several CD�s just a few weeks before her passing and up to that point I had not yet listened to them. I am learning to meditate, not just prayer meditation as I did before but reaching inwards to my inner self. This is where I am finding the �One� that lives within all living essence�the One I continue to call, �God,� However it is so much more complex than I had ever given thought to. I did in a way, just not the way I am now beginning to feel the presence in everything, every action. �Success: Full Relating�Spirituality for the 21st Century and Beyond This book covers seven principles: �There is Beauty in everyone and in everything.� Forgive me�I am not trying to sell his books; I am coming to terms with where I stand spiritually today�the new journey I find myself on. When I found myself once again struggling with faith the Friar walked into my life�literally. My faith has always been strong�it�s been shaken-tested, but not broken. However there has been this undercurrent within that didn�t feel right�something was missing. For what ever the reason it appears I have found my stride�universal spirituality was the key. I am now in contact with Fr. Justin�we exchanged books�his for mine. I felt honored he even wanted a copy. He got it today. I have been critiquing his book over the last several weeks�he will be back in touch once he completes mine. When I first came back from Indiana after moms passing I boxed up my books and put them away�I couldn�t look at the cover mom designed. How strange, coincidental? By exchanging books I was forced to open up the books. Not really �forced��encouraged�sounds better. While writing this I realize I am healing, coming to terms with the cycle of life and implementing the very concept I read about� �Difficulty and pain are opportunities for growth.� If you made it this far in my entry you should get a prize�for me the greatest gift I have received from myself is the ability to write again. Today a ramble?�tomorrow??...We�ll see. Sandyz I always disliked this picture of mom and I, until now. It was taken when mom lived with us in PA...many years ago.
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