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12:40 P.M. - Friday, May. 15, 2009
If
I have been thinking about life lately, more than usual, maybe because so many wonderful things have been happening. I got caught up for so long in a sea of despair I forgot at times to be thankful for the little things. I have avoided writing about a few negative thoughts. It appears when writing about fears I have, it makes them real and amplifies them. When I meditate on positive happenings I feel better about life and better understand the slip and slide we experience in our lives. I find no matter how much I worry it becomes wasted time; it doesn�t change the out come. Most of my worry times have proven to be unfounded�there was nothing to worry about�just another day passed by.

I was wondering the other day if I could go back in time and change direction, which fork in the road it would have been. What day would I eliminate, what moment would I erase from my past? While pondering these thoughts I realize as much as I wish some events never unfolded, tragedies that came to be that forever changed our life, if I were to wipe the slate of life free of them, where would I be today? Who would I be?

Strange at it sounds coming from someone that once felt I was the reincarnation of Job, and often wondered if I lived a past life, who did I piss off for so many horrific things to have been inflicted upon my life. I don�t think I would change a moment, a day, or an event. Everything that has happened was set in motion by my decisions while moving through the sands of time. Sure many of my decisions might not have been the brightest at the time; however, it felt it was the right path to follow at that moment in time.

I don�t understand why so much heartache has passed my way but I don�t believe I am supposed to comprehend. Not in this life time anyway. I believe what matters is how I deal with survival and curve balls tossed my way�and what I learn about life, about me.

While sitting alone, in anguish, at the place we had in Ark I would have never pictured myself where I am today. At that time I felt my world was gone, my life unfixable, dreams an illusion, and if ever I had longed to fall off the planet�it would have been during that experience.

I kept right on moving forward and made many more missteps along the way�but it all led me to this moment in time. We have a place to live that continues to feel like a dream and step by step we are reconnecting, learning to let go, and most important to forgive.

I would be a fool to not long for those we have loved and lost to be apart of our life today, but I have found myself loving more deeply, caring with a stronger perceptive and understanding how very fragile our existence really is. Learning to walk one step at a time and not forgetting to count each and every blessing�as if today might be the last.

Sandyz

My first born, me, grand daughter, and great-grand daughter

 

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