12:55 P.M. - Tuesday, Apr. 07, 2009
Rough start to new life
I haven�t updated as often as I wanted, seems like from the day we moved to our new house we have had setback after setback. You know�one step forward, a leap back. I have been out of work from the start of March�I didn�t feel like writing about it, it made it more real. By not talking or thinking about it I could bury it back in the furthest corner of my mind.

I knew when I first started caring for Mrs. J. it was a short term situation, in fact it was suppose to end one month from the start. I feel blessed it lasted for five months and I was able to spend so much time with this incredible woman. The nurse that was moving across the street arrived and in turn for rent she is the caregiver now.

We were introduced this new house by getting to know the folks that own it�that wouldn�t have happened had I not been caring for Mrs. J. However, I have been hesitant to hang pictures, fix up the house to fit our life style in fear of losing it. I went through an awesome day and was motivated to work in the living room and kitchen�the rest of the place I just keep clean. I know down deep the Lord did not lead us to this house just to lose it. I have more faith than that.

This is a time my past plays trickery with my mind�I have a fear of loss once again. I had a bad day and thought about selling everything I owned and disappearing from the radar. I found myself thinking I would not lose anything else�I�ll give it away or sell it and find an ole �hippie� commune and just fade away from this present life. In the frame of mind I was in I thought that was a great idea�before I woke up. My God, I have family and friends�how unfair to just wander off�no destination in mind. If I had no ties to this life I feel I could just start walking. (I know sounds crazy)

Husband�s car wouldn�t pass inspection $$$ to get it back on the road and we have been bombarded with bills from our last place and new ones flying at us from the move here. We are depending on one income to get us through this storm.

Of all the times to be out of work�good grief our economy is a disaster. For almost a week the small town paper had the heading, �Help Wanted,� and nothing listed below it. Places are downsizing or laying off, getting hired someplace right now is a shot in the dark. (See, if you have a wandering spirit that longs to just keep experiencing life, living off the land and saying good bye to this complex life of bill paying doesn�t sound so crazy.) This earth has so many awesome places, so many wonderful people, I some times long to see and greet. I feel so bogged down by mundane day to day grind that at times causes depression.

In truth I absolutely love this new home�it is the fear of losing it that causes my thoughts to wonder what if�

I know we will get through this. Back when I almost gave up before, the five month job came unexpected. I have several ideas and have been tossing them here and there. Until then�blind faith. Seems most of my life has been one leap of faith to another. Why give up now.

Sandyz

previous - next