12:02 P.M. - Friday, Jun. 20, 2008
Decisions-decisions we all fall down
Been a rough couple of days back pain has kept me in a constant state of irritability I got so I couldn�t stand myself. I discussed this with my Dr telling her I felt mad at the world and having a difficult time trying to control my anger. Moments later I would be upset with myself being so insensitive to those around me. I literally kicked a trash can in a room I was cleaning because I bumped my arm causing more pain. (Hey give me a brake it was the funny bone I whacked on the door frame.)

Adhesions are wrapped around nerve endings from previous surgery, removing them would be dangerous. So hello pain, I live with it. Dr said good news is I am a perfect candidate for the �Precision plus� implant. This will not �fix� the problem just mask the pain by sending a different message to the brain. This visit to the Dr was the first time I can ever recall having high blood pressure.

I was given a note for my boss with limitations for work duties, these restrictions include not being able to be reassigned to food service. My options are a desk job my days of physical labor are over. This should not be bad news but this could cost me my job just as a similar notice was the end of my northern job. They �by law� can not fire me but they can say there is no such job that doesn�t require bending, twisting, lifting or reaching. Either way my income will take a loss, plus no tips. I depend on all income, overtime and gratuities to pull ends together. Working a regular 40 hour week takes three pay checks to handle rent alone. I need a new job but also insurance.

Yesterday I was numb to the news and couldn�t find words or a solution, today I decided to keep on walking allowing the chips to fall. I can�t fix the unfixable although I can continue moving forward. To date faith has brought me to this place in time Lord only knows where I am heading now. There is a trial period of seven to ten days before the actual surgical procedure; I can not work at all during those days. I�ll have a time of healing then surgery to implant the device. Returning to working after surgery could be up to 6 weeks no one knows how the body will react or what type of job I will go back to.

There is no time frame for this upcoming surgery, papers need to be filed, a go ahead from the insurance company, and my assessment sent in, this is to insure I am mentally up to this kind of procedure.

My future is in the wind, decisions not made by me. Once I have the outcome then I move right left or possibly not at all. There is an undercurrent that feels I should get control of the wave of life and make decisions before the fact; another part is content riding the wave waiting to see where it crests. First things first give the note of limitations to my manager she will be back to work Monday.

Sandyz

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