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1:14 P.M. - Tuesday, Jun. 03, 2008
Comes in threes
Another visit to the Dr and the prospect of having surgery once again threw a curve ball. My thinking, my worst enemy, relived the past and how my last surgery was the demon that started the landslide to losing our house and many things I held dear not yet a year ago. All the I cant�s hit like ping pong balls. Where to live where to store my meager belongings filled my mind and canceled out all positive. Depression found the back door.

Third trip to the Dentist 300.00 bucks later my front tooth is still chipped. I have dental insurance but found one that unknowingly only accepts cash upfront and bills insurance later. Finding this out as I was leaving from my first visit sent my already negative thinking further into the black hole. Why me why�smoked the air. I recall wondering if I have a sign that says �big sucker� or �kick me I am down?� New thoughts screamed; why is it always about me? It sickens me when my thoughts have the world rotating around me not considering that the policy was in effect long before I walked in the dentist office. I can�t seem to lock in on positive knowing I have insurance and be thankful�what is wrong with me when my life isn�t negative I find a way to make it that way. (At least I am aware of this�just now)

Three page letter came from hubby, he returned the IRS check I sent him and agreed with every thing I had blasted him with. Letter full of �I�m sorry it was all my fault, I can never forgive my self and don�t expect you to.�

How his mind relives our life together over and over again those 18 years, almost two decades.

I didn�t share the letter with any one; I needed to digest it read it many times feel the past once again between my fingers and remember the good times. How odd I thought how the mind at times discards pain from the past as it weaves around selective thoughts stored close to the surface to shield the heart. The truth many times is buried deep within the muck.

A life with husband almost felt peaceful with my new world being shaken from the foundation. He once again flooded my dreams with an existence I should have had not the one I was dealt. At night I heard his voice, felt his hug, saw his eyes, I would wake up and stare into the dark seeing nothing as thoughts tripped over one another cascading around and through me. It would have been easier to have been full of hate and slammed the door myself. .

Loving while letting go is not easy.

I am back to square one I suppose not a bad place to be, at least I am not walking back to the past. Today I did something special for loved ones, sometimes giving of ones self helps heal the soul. Later I will visit my daughter and spend the afternoon with my grandson during his field trip. My next day off my 70�s friend and I are planning a girl�s day on the beach.

I need even more new memories to sooth the pain and enable me to keep walking towards a new future, a new story the one that has yet to be written

Sandyz

 

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