5:32 A.M. - Thursday, May. 15, 2008
Back Door
I continue to feel light in spirit and glad to taste the new freedom I have never tried before. It is nice at times. I had a wonderful day after Mothers Day with my daughters, (Mother's Day I worked�nothing great about that.) We went out to eat where my granddaughter works and harassed her during our lunch; I was not thinking about what I had to do when I got home nor watching the clock with a feeling I might have to leave. After lunch there was no sense of urgency that I must get home, I was able to get my grocery shopping done at my leisure. I have found one of the most difficult things I do is buy food, I have lived so long buying for another I have not a clue what my favorites are. The foods I know I love I am too lazy to cook them now that I don't have to. So I'll add food shopping on the hard to do list, I wander some times around the store with a lost feeling not knowing what to buy.

For the most part during my time alone I feel content, I like getting up when I want to, no worrying the TV is too loud if I stay up late, and I can eat a bowl of cereal if I don't want to cook�with no guilt.

I have to be careful though, ever so often I'll look over my shoulder and see my life on the mountain, I'll see the horses in the field, I begin to feel the weight of sorrow and I realize it is too soon to open the back door. I walk over and close it, shut the past out, for now I need to protect myself from memories that still haunt the nights.

Before now, the door would not close and I would find myself sitting at the entrance searching in and out not knowing where I fit in. It seemed like nowhere for the longest time.

I had to set goals, I wrote them one day while lingering between past and present. These I feel are my little ships on the horizon:

I plan to write a novel come November, (Nanowrimo)
I will spend at least one day a month doing something I love to do, (I love that goal)
Stay on my budget
Plan and carry out a trip to visit my son in PA.

My goals are within reason for me to able meet them, no more disappointment this year.

I still feel my mood shift but not extreme high and lows, a gentle shift that I can control. I feel it when I think about filing for divorce, when the phone rings and I worry it might be him, and when a letter comes with his stamp. I don't want to hear from him, see him or read his letters, I want the back door closed there is such a beautiful view out front.

Sandyz.

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