10:22 A.M. - Tuesday, May. 13, 2008
Justice for all
The dilemma concerning the Government rebate check is over; I had to look at it as I did my life, from a new perspective. Of course, through my eyes I owed him nothing, fact is he owes me. Still something did not sit right with me.

It hit me that I was looking at this on a personal level. I asked myself this question�what would have happened had we been legally separated. My decision does not matter what does is if I was willing to live with my choice.

I sent a letter that I had been working on over the last week. The letter was up to nine pages when I went over it. As I reread I realized through most of the letter I had informed him what he was thinking and why he acted as he did. I got to thinking while editing that I haven't a clue what is going on in his mine no more than he understand how my mind ticks.

I did a sweep through the letter eliminating every sentence that informed him why he did the things he did, and left only what I knew to be fact, my feelings about the past. I also included a list of all I had paid, what I was still paying, and through common decency, what he should pay back. I may get nothing except the peace of mind knowing I did the right thing, I can go to sleep and not feel this stirring in my gut. I can only hope a day will come he will do what is right. The letter I sent was only a few pages and reflected how I felt and why.

I have said my goodbye.

I got to thinking I had written about many of my opinions about him throughout that long letter of rampage. I relived much of our damaged marriage and I laid blame proclaiming to know what he had been thinking while in truth I have not a clue, for a few days I was heartsick writing about all he had done to me. It was a great way to purge the soul but might not have had but little truth to it. It was how I perceived our marriage by his actions but writing to him trying to hammer it in did not change a thing.

I realized it was my choice rather I continued to rake our marriage over the coals stirring the fire, or if I chose to move forward and allow the past to turn to ash.

I have much to be grateful for as I have now been at my job for six months, my new home for four months, and this awesome complex sometimes sunny state for seven months, my relationship with family here is like watching a flower bloom and for once, this peace within me feels commonplace. I am beginning to enjoy this taste of freedom and my eyes are watching for new sails on the horizon. My fingers tingle knowing life is right here at my touch. This is my time to learn, to grow, and to be right here in the now.

I feel as if an enormous burden has lifted, life not always fair is just.

Sandyz

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