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9:34 P.M. - Friday, May. 02, 2008
It is all about goodbye
I understand what sent me into a whirlwind of mixed emotions after receiving the letter� the door slammed shut.

Not realizing it, I have danced with feelings that I was wrong, everyone was wrong. After all, divine intervention had brought us together. I thought many times about the circumstances in both our lives that lead us to the path we walked together for almost 18 years. Deep down with all the voices even mine telling me don't look back it is over, I believed we would one day reconnect. I didn't even realize this until now. I was hanging on fearful of truly letting go.

I recalled the day I stopped feeling that sorrow of loss when I thought about my ex husband. My husband in the now was the first man I loved more than or as deep as the kid's father. At one time, I had destined myself to the thought of always loving my first husband, and then I recalled the day I spent with him and the kids and felt nothing. I was thrilled and could not wait to tell my new husband. I recall thinking I was one of the lucky ones, I had found not one but two soul mates right here on earth.

Silly me.

I am still wondering how this could happen and why. I may never know in this life but I feel as though it was just yesterday he left the grief still raw. Things had been heading down hill for years but something deep within me made excuses for him, some blame I took upon myself if I had done this or that, other times I felt frustrated he wouldn't change back to the man I felt I knew many years ago.

I hated Arkansas believing that move destroyed us both, I have beat myself up a thousand times wondering why the hell we ever moved to that God forsaken place even surrounded by beauty so much pain emerged. I find myself at times waking up looking out the windows longing to see horses in a field, I couldn't let go of what was and what can never be again, our life in PA.

My heart aches.

Through the years, my husband walked through hell and back with me during several life-altering events. We both came together carrying excessive baggage from previous marriages. We both still held a flame for our ex's when we met and over time those flames died and love for each other grew. He was my best friend I was his. Somewhere in the mountains we took separate paths, it was a long time before I realized it or maybe I knew but didn't want to know. Some times, we do fail to see the forest even when it goes up in flames. I know the life I had with husband is now just a memory, there is no going back in truth I don't even want to.

It is hard to let go.

As far as the government check�it seems insignificant now, my wants and my needs are on different planets. I suppose I'll follow the heartfelt advice I got from everyone and write a letter, a list of what he owes. I not write it with anger I'll write it with strength. I may send some of the money to him; it sickens me to think about keeping it all. I will ask him to set up payments and hope he pays me back for all he owes, if not it will be him looking at his face every morning not me.

Life will move on and I'll adjust, I will make it on my own. I'll make new memories as time moves forward. Bitterness and sorrow I feel tonight will one day be a fleeting thought when he is no longer my husband. When I can, I am filing for divorce I no longer want to be linked in any way to him. I don't want to see nor talk to him, this book is closed.

To who once was my best friend, my soul mate,

"Good-bye."

Sandyz

 

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