Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

6:10 P.M. - Wednesday, Apr. 30, 2008
It was all about the money
Some days my life here feels dreamlike, certain smells are as if a curtain is pulled open from the past, memories spill over. It seems if I try to grab hold of something my hand passes through it, I can't get a grip physically or mentally.

Recollections of my past life in this sunny state are from almost 20 years ago, a world of hurt from where I am today. So much has changed from those years; the me back then is not the me today. Every step I took after leaving is in part what fashioned the person that now stares back within the looking glass.

His phone calls brought frustration to boil with newer memories too raw to pick at. I have the distance now I needed time.

Then came the letter.

I owe him. Yes, that is what he wrote. No words of love, no when are we getting back together, no please don't give up on me-on us-our marriage. No, none of that small talk, nonsense. I owe him! He wants, no�demands I give him his share of the government rebate I don't have yet.

I felt hurt then relieved, hurt again then mad as hell. How can I owe him a blasted thing when he has done nothing but take, take and take? Then I hurt again. I hate this confusion.

My thoughts were to just give him half of what ever we might get, and then I thought about how he has saddled me with the tractor payment, all the personal bills he ran away from leaving me with this stupid smile "He owes you how much" and having to pay them all off.

The car payments, his insurance, all the time he stayed here slowly bleeding me dry before hot tailing it out of here once again. I could write a list but I would end up in tears knowing I wouldn't be struggling so hard to make the middle reach had he not left me holding the empty bag one too many times.

Now I owe him?? I could cry or scream, I haven't been right in the head from the day I got his letter. Trust??? Ever??? Happy ending???

If this were a perfect world I could make ends meet on my own with out working six/seven days a week. This rebate would help me not to shop until I drop but to pay bills, gas so I could get back and forth to work, a chance to exhale once in a blue moon.

For him it would be smokes; beer to drink as he sits on the porch of the place his family handed to him on a platter, over looking his new land. His family felt his pain and GAVE him a new start. Lucky man!!!! Now he needs miscellaneous items to complete his new life, new dwelling�so "I owe him."

I'll be damn it was all about the money!

Happy Anniversary? What a load of crap!

Sandyz

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!