7:35 P.M. - Sunday, Apr. 27, 2008
Two steps forward one call back
He is at it again calling and telling me how much he loves me, how he doesn't want me to give up on him or our marriage sending mixed emotions and confusion through my system.

He said he is sorry he never gave me the opportunity to visit my son; sorry he didn't attend my daughters wedding, sorry he left once again while I was at work. He wanted to wish me a happy anniversary, "did I remember it was at the end of this month?"

I am not for sure what my thoughts are about my future but he is not part of the plan, there is no chart just jerky movement forward.

Still the blade of life cuts deep. There are always dangling thoughts wondering what if�what if. Doubt lurks behind each corner am I doing the right thing, following the right path. I feel as though I am wading through knee-deep muck, dragging my feet, that my new journey is a slow go.

His calls rattle me, unnerve me, I feel as though I want to throw the phone across the state, break a window, or rip the walls down. I know the anger I am feeling is boiling over from being hurt. I then add to the mixture my irritation while talking to him, I was less than kind on the phone and I feel bad about it. It is not my intention to hurt any one although that would sound hypocritical if you had heard me. He pushed me up against a rock and hard place when asking me if I never wanted him to call again, my head was spinning my and heart aching and my thoughts felt like they were bouncing around through my head like ping-pong balls.

He had to know that instant and I told him "yes, stop calling!"

Silence and then he cleared his throat and asked me please don't do this, don't give up on us. I said nothing in response and he hung up.

The air was empty, my thoughts disconnected, I was relieved but saddened, and I cannot seem to get a handle on my feelings�if they still exist.

Side note�I came home from work yesterday and my cat had chewed the phone wires and my phone doesn't work any more, I was so upset until� think about it�he can't call now. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! True story and instead of racing out and getting new phone wire or a new phone, I have been laughing inside. I might get it fixed in a few days but right now, I like the silence.

Sandyz

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