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5:51 A.M. - Wednesday, Apr. 02, 2008
Don't lock the door
I had an appointment with my new Dr last evening and for the first time since my move to this state I know I am dealing with life changes loss and grief, the best of my ability. After talking with him for close to an hour, mostly answering questions he felt I was positive and well grounded. He said if I desired he could set me up with a Dr for the mind but his suggestion was to continue to move forward as I have�a day at a time. He feels my time is valuable and better put to use by doing things I enjoy not trudging in and out of Drs office's. I need pain management and he said living with non-stop pain is ridicules when it can be managed as mine can. He did rewrite a prescription another Dr had stopped me from taking for anxiety. I had an appointment with a counselor but never made a show; I was concerned I would say something that would cost me freedom. Trust I suppose in not apart of me at this time.

While I was answering questions, I was terrified I was projecting a person on the edge of insanity. I had one eye on the door and it took all I had not to bolt out the door. I half thought he would want to send me to a place where someone else holds the key; brewing mixed emotions seemed to amplify through the room.

He was kind and assured me it was ok to feel as I did, emotions all over the place the past colliding with the future, anger, tears, being tired more than I felt I should. I have been through a magnitude of traumatic changes finding my self for the first time in my life floundering in an uncertain future, an unfamiliar environment and very much alone.

I was concerned on the way to the Dr because during the day I felt the back slide into murky muck as thoughts once again tossed around why did this happen. I had battled negative thinking all day feeling overwhelmed trying to get this house suitable for company. Have you ever felt as if you were spinning wheels going nowhere? I felt that way from the time my feet hit the floor yesterday morning I did a little out side work, come in side and had this feeling it was all for nothing. I just wanted to sleep I completely lacked motivation.

I became angry about thoughts of husband and how he has wandered in and out of my life at his convenience, how his problems become my heartaches because I allow them to. My thinking was once again all over the place and no matter how much I tried to think positive; those thoughts banished as thoughts of ever trusting someone with my heart sickened me. I don't want to go any where, meet new people but complete aloneness frightens me, the battle within rages on.

I could understand how in the past staying in a bad relationship was more comfortable than walking this road alone�I warned myself not to slide back to that dangerous thinking. I am worth so much more than being a doormat for another. Yesterday I wanted to change, a new hairstyle, the way I dress everything. I wanted to throw away all my jeans and tee shirts, my sneakers, everything that I felt was what molded me to be me, and I didn't want to be her any more. I wouldn't even wear jeans to my appointment, I had over five shirts laying on the floor by the time I found something that wasn't a tee. I wore sandals not sneakers.

I fought back tears on the way to the Dr as I couldn't seem to get a hold on my thoughts I surely thought I had one foot over the edge and wondered why I couldn't just "get over it." I was angry with myself. I am so thankful this Dr didn't rake me over the coals as the last one did. I am so thankful I didn't walk out of the office feeling like I had left an place I was just trying to get my hands on fix me up medication. I feel it is ok to feel like shit one day and OK the next�it is a process all of us go through when the rug of life is pulled out from under us.

I feel at peace this morning as I again look forward to family arriving and my daughters wedding. I know I have a long journey to wellness ahead of me but I also know I am heading in the right direction.

My Dr made another what he called a valuable suggestion, he said I should journal during this time of mixed emotions, I smiled to myself�I am definitely on the right track. I did not share that with him, as I was tired of conversation and still wanting to get the heck out of there.

Sandyz

 

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