Tuesday, Apr. 01, 2008 at 8:31 A.M.
I woke up before the alarm and felt overwhelming loss, our house on the mountain, my job, personal trinkets I had from the time I was a kid were mixed with the avalanche of past defeat. Flash cards uncontrollably flipped through my mind as a series of events a place person or life as I knew lost its place in the shuffle. I found myself trying desperately to gather the cards and put them back in my safe memory place.
A memory card from long ago fluttered within my sight unleashing a multitude of reminiscences from childhood. Loss of a man that I recall adoring took my breath as a picture so clear that I felt he was standing in the room. This man, my Uncle I have seldom talked or written about. I studied these thoughts recalling a young girl who shouldered blame of loss for many years. I reasoned had I not made the trip to visit "time" would have been altered and he would not have been at the place that claimed his life. I kept remorse locked within as I made minds eye charts reenacting time as if I had not been with them that summer. I believed with all my heart my mere presence had altered turn of events. It was this point in time I was aware how fragile life was, a hug, see you later might be our last memory before we can blink. This was a first memory of attaching blame when things go astray to me, a pattern I have followed into adulthood.
I do not recall religious preference at that time in my life; I don't recall the series of evens after he lay comatose on the basement floor with a gun shot wound to his head. I recall screams, looking out the window my eyes fixed on ambulance lights, people racing everywhere, hiding in the bushes out back, and my cousins moving through the house like ghosts. I felt like the observer, I was invisible as I melted into the background memories of days/weeks following are forever lost. I traveled hundreds of miles back home with family but those actions fragmented in the shifting sands of time.
I lay in bed this morning wondering why this picture show of loss danced before me. Horses, our little farm, past marriage, loved ones having left before me, friends now at a distance. It felt as though much of my life has been scattered along roads I have traveled, memories caught in the wind, changed, altered.
I don't have a grasp on how I feel about the past or what I long for in the future. When I walk through my new place I feel nothing it is only when I gaze at the Lake do I feel something alive stirring within.
Memories, dreams, finding "me," tomorrow, are all interweaved with the now. Likes, dislikes are slowly coming to a boil in a kettle left on simmer for years. Some days I do nothing although my mind seldom sleeps, back and forth, shifting with the sands, dancing in the cards, or left lying in the dust.
Sandyz
2 Comments left behind…Leave a rose petal here.
Last fiveSaturday, Nov. 22, 2008 - First proposal
Thursday, Nov. 13, 2008 - Meet the writer’s
Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2008 - That dream again
Sunday, Nov. 09, 2008 - I dream of a place
Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2008 - Small town voting Big time election
"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all... Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better... And yet this is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again."
~Abraham Lincoln
Mom, Charlene Moore
My brother, Sketchdude
Moore Wood Works, my brother and sister-in-law.
Their awesome journals.. zuzus-petals / aliannmil / barank / miame / invisibledon / pikachu1lt / mreieio / meg-in-love / jiltedsoul / lostinmylove / wildguess / glumphett / ocean80 / bettyalready / summersands / morticon / Minisaga / luminence- / virtualcrack / dinahsoar / myownjourney / fluttrbykisskidneygurl / softblossoms / candoor / missmaggie03 / hisgirlkari / boann7 / josiebear / pink-circle / swimmmer72 / summer-gale / crazyblueyes / alongcameme / chaosdaily / typennington / thisismywish / d1mndn3r0ugh / afraidtobeme / jiltedreads / livingwreck / f-i-n / h2ophobic / starhearts / on-a-string / Plopphizz / musicman6724 / media1001 / grt8f84me / marinka-mp / vibinghigh / rebeckajane / umademehappy / newschick / just2cusmile / alostfriend / minstrelite / shortst101 / hollisterman / tater-fay / wordwhore / h2odragon / catsoul / hanonly / mskindasorta /
New / Old / About Sandy / Mail / Notes / Links / Inspired by / Home /
Powered byIP2Location.com